As some of you may know, I was in Ukraine, helping train the Ukrainian Army for a very real and unforgiving war that they face out east. This is terribly serious and I would never joke about it. That’s another story for another post.
This little ditty comes to you because of the bizarre eating ritual at the Yavoriv Training Area. For most of us there, we didn’t get a lot of news or television, instead we take refuge in the dining facility which casually plays Ukrainian MTV. Something you may not know about the world’s leader of nuclear disasters; that their MTV broadcast is like taping into a pervert adolescents fever dream between acid trips.
I’ve picked some of the more bizarre to showcase here, please enjoy, you’ll probably quickly realize why a bunch of dudes crammed into a small training area with nothing to do enjoy these videos. Not only is this impossible to not look at as it’s being blasted on every television around you, but it is oddly intriguing. Not just for sweat lodge hallucinations that is everyone of these videos, but for the annoyingly catching songs that are featured throughout, the content, and the fact that you can’t understand it, so you end up really reading into the visuals. There’s only so much I can say about these… I beg you, please see for yourself.
- Artist: Tymaty feat. Most Orchestra
Song: Eggplant (Lada Sedan)
Artist: Тимати feat. Рекорд Оркестр
Song: Баклажан (Лада Седан)
We’ll start this list off with one of the more light hearted videos. The thing I like most about this video is it’s the only one that actually features Ukraine. Yup, that is how a former Soviet Bloc Country looks like Ladies and Gents. The appartments, the cars, the semi successful amature rappers and their tricked out sudans. This one is the namesake of the video “eggplant”. I honestly don’t know if this video is sincear or if it’s a parody of itself. To tell you the truth, I don’t know if any of these videos are parodys, it’s kind of like watching a Trump rally… not sure whether or not they’re serious. But you don’t have time for that, we’re getting to the staple of every Ukrainian music video a hot chick with very little clothing.
You’ll see this as a re-occurring theme throughout this entry. Scantily clad women, surrounding middle aged, oddly dressed men. Which takes me right to the next point.
The most absurdly sexist part of the video 28 seconds.
I’d just like to point out that this girl is never shown again, or mentioned, this is just a drive by. There is no reason to feature this girl walking down the street, other than to showcase her micro shorts. She’s gone from this point forward.
Afterward, we peak into the world of problems that Mr. Tymaty, our successful Ukrainian rapper, is getting himself into. These problems include, but are not limited to, a bunch of older guys in track suits sipping coffee. To make matters worse, we are treated to a slapstick comedy routine of two cops shooting the Eggplant with a radar gun and watching as it effortlessly jumps through the air like the General Lee. We also get a glimps into his home office, where the magic happens, if the magic ran out in 1999.
We are then transported to a headlight lit back alley where we are treated to an odly formal one man show, but just to keep you guessing we’re just going to hit you with a bunch of random characters, settings and situations. Not sure if a dimly lit ally in Ukraine is your idea of a good time or not, but here it is.
At about 2:30 there’s a russian dancer.
That’s it, again, there isn’t any reason for it, or explanation. They are milling around the eggplant, throwing down some sick rhymes and a Russian dancer makes an appearance.
After all this trouble, we come to the end of the video, Tymyat gets the girl, but eventually, trouble finds him.
- Artist: Arkady Laykyn
Artist: Аркадий Лайкин
This video is an oldie but a goodie. This was actually the first Ukrainian music video I’ve ever seen, so it pretty much set the tone for me for the rest of my experience there. We open with Arkady Laykin, a middle aged hipster with an odd choice of headgear, sunglasses, and a fake mustache. If I had to choose 3 memes that best embody his look, it would be, can I haz cheez burger, Chuck Norris, and anything Japanese. This guy manages to make more wardrobe changes than a Miley Cyrus concert, going from ping pong tracksuit, to kitten cardigan, to a Rich Cunningham uniform.
As we are treated to this odd mismash of outfits, there’s random alternative pin up girls performing a variety of dances one can only describe as awkward to watch in front of your wife. Matter of fact, most of these videos are probably something you need to look around and make sure you won’t be judged for watching. We are suddenly treated to a scene that everyone needs to witness at about 1:04.
This image looks like Lady Gaga posted a picture on thechive for cat Saturday. Three hipsters and a flamboyantly gay man died to bring you this picture. Which begs the question, throughout all of this, what is up with that damn mustache?
Luckily throughout this video you learn a little Ukrainian as the translated words are featured in the background as girls twerk and bounce on balls.
The most absurdly sexist part of the video 2:27
Yup, just a girl drinking from a bowl of milk letting some of it drip off her mouth. Not much else to say about that.
We can all agree, the best part of this music video is the dancing. Whether it be chicks break dancing, girls twerking or Laykin ping pong paddling an air hump.
- Artist: Bovie Rox
Song: Boom Boom Boom
Artist: Bovie _ Rox
Song: тебя Бум Бум Бум
This next entry ups the amount of Robitussin that the producer was chugging in between peyote hits as he pitched ideas for the video.
Right off the bat, we feature a kid in what appears to be his mothers apartment, watching a television from the 1980s in what otherwise looks like a modern apartment. One can only imagine why this guy is rocking a Houston Rockets jersey. As much of a surprise that the jersey is, you kind of expect the rest of his outfit based on the context clues around him. A flat bill cap, backwards, and fat slippers that look like sneakers. Its like all the Ukrainian music producers had a magic window that peered back to 1997. You have to suck all of this in during the first 10 seconds of the video mind you.
Cut immediately to this guy…
If the Care-bears and Telle-tubies had a bizarre, occult S & M orgy, while huffing glue, this is the music video that would be silently playing in the background. Again, we are treated to scantly clad women seductively dancing with this disturbing and inappropriate purple gummy bear.
If one dancing purple bear rapper wasn’t good enough for you, don’t worry, like any nightmare, this theme is reoccurring. I’m not sure if this is a child, or a full grown man, but for some reason when he’s first featured he’s gigantic.
Hopefully you are still wondering what happened to our Rockets fan up there, we cut back and forth to let you know he’s still peering through the curtain at the local furry fantasy.
The most absurdly sexist moment 1:56
Allow me to sum up this moment to fully capture the awkwardness of your mother in law walking in on you watching this on your laptop. One of the female dancers is doing round house kicks high into the air, towards the camera, wearing high heels, stockings and a bra. She doesn’t do one kick, or two, she just air kicks towards the camera like Chun Li.
We end this video on a positive note, with the Rockets fan somehow joining this demented jamiriqui video, breaking the fourth wall and leaving us to wonder, “where do we draw the line between society and art?”. Just kidding, get those girls back out here.
- Artist: Potap and Nastya feat. Bianca
Song: Style of dog
Artist: Потап и Настя feat. Бьянка
Song: стиль собаки
Right off the bat, this video looks like it has some production value. Shot in widescreen with some great panoramic shots. We open up on a psychologist, looking quite the sexy librarian, with a well dressed man. No idea what they are talking about, but I’d rather not ruin the magic with dialog.
Things get a little weird. She starts hypnotizing him, pulling out inkblots, and dangling clocks. Things are starting to look like someone is going to wake up in a very Ukrainian bathtub of ice missing a kidney with a very terrible Freudian twist.
Ok that’s not anything near what the inkblot looked like, but for some reason that’s what this old dude in the suite sees when she holds it up. Things are explained a bit more when she folds the inkblot up to put it away.
Alright I can understand why this guy is a little distracted, this lady apparently got her doctorate in psychology at Victoria’s Secret. But apparently through the magic of inkblots and hypnotism this guy is transported to a world of seductive doctors and isolated horrors. Also there’s another girl in the mix, and a bath tub.
Because of course there’s a bathtub with girls in it, it is a Ukrainian music video.
So, couple of questions at this point. Who is the other chick in the bath tub? Why is there barking in the background, more on that in a moment? Lastly, why is there a bath tub? This video begs more questions than it answers.
Back to the guy in the background barking. We flash between random sets of subtlety taking place in our friendly psychology office, bathtub, murder room and stripper stage. The murder room is apparently where this guy goes after he gets hypnotized, hes trapped in this bomb shelter where he gives ominous looks behind sunglasses.
Side note ***nothing sums up a Ukrainian music video like a slightly overweight balding dude intermixed with a hot half naked woman. For those of you who don’t have the pleasure of actually watching and listening to this video, most likely for the fear that your co-wokers or family will walk in on you watching them, this guy frankly barks to the beat. Not like a real bark, but barking like he’s consistently stubbing his toe, this all wraps up when he says “ohhh I wanna dance”.
The most absurdly sexist moment 2:05
Timed perfectly with the drop in music and a triangle strike, our heroin pschologist pops a downward dog. Even the frumpiest of men cannot ignore the fact that her ass just jiggled with the ding. I don’t care who you are, if you are subjected to this moment in the video you will pause everything you’re doing and you reflect on the fact that her ass just popped up with a ding.
Back to our friend in the chamber of horrors, shit has gotten real. He throws down his table with a oh so 90’s wax hand and breaks out into his rap. His rap hosts a slew of pop culture references that need no translation, but leave you wondering why the hell he’s mentioning instagram. This is one of the higher production value videos though and it shows throughout his little shaky cam moment.
This is the moment you regret meeting up in a secluded alley
Things settle down when Dr. Clevage snaps her fingers and wakes the guy from this little daydream. We all breath sigh relief cause it was all a dream….
…or was it?
- Artist: Olya Polyakova
Song: The first summer without him
Artist: Оля Полякова
Song: Перше літо без Нього
This video is the crown champion of the Fearless Guardian rotation. This video above all others rings so many WTF reactions you have to dissect the video in a group therapy session. This video starts off with a somewhat obnoxious intro of a girl lugubriously sobbing over a break up along with her friends that look like they’re fresh off the set of grease. 52 seconds in, an equally obnoxious ringtone alarms which immediately cuts to her running through a field with her underwear and a white cut off tank top.
I don’t know what material that shirt is made of, or what they did to that girls poor nipples but that is the most impressive ability to keep her boobs hidden while doing the most boob flashing activities possible. During this short video, she jumps up and down, exaggeratingly runs, gets sprayed with water and channels a racist genie, all while keeping her nipples in check. Its damn impressive.
The most absurdly sexist moment 1:11
out of nowhere, a mist of water sprays on her white cutoff tank top after she skips towards the camera with no bra on. No matter how much you explain that this is just a regular music video to someone, they will look at you askew when this shit pops up on your browser. If you’re mother in law walked into the kitchen while this was casually playing, there would be some awkward explanations is all I’m saying.
So what is the obsession with the long and elaborate hair? How do we go from cold Ukrainian night to full on Chiquita banana summer? These questions won’t be answered cause we’re too busy panning to her and her friends eastern europeanly dancing in the middle of the saddest looking sunflower field you’ve ever seen.
I’ve seen bad European dancing, but none like this. This is like watching the Charleston done by a marionette with tangled strings. If you haven’t realized that the obnoxious ringtone at the beginning is the song, don’t worry it will stay in your head long enough for you to realize it by your second or third viewing. Now if you watch that dancing and think, how bout we go with a dump truck pool party and add watermelon helmets, you may want to re-think your life choices and create music videos for the rest of your life, cause yes, that happens.
At 3:05 we get another phone call. What’s going to happen? Will she take him back, will she bask in her new freedom?
Cue the key change, this girl has seen the light. With her new found sense of self esteem and gumption she channels a native American chief on the moon, with a volcano and a smoking rod riding on a four wheeler. If you have any balls you will draw that scene on your kids trapper keeper and send him to school with it.
This video takes a turn for the worst at about four minutes. There’s really no not an easy way to say this. I can’t put it delicately, the girls assume a fielding position, cock their asses back and fart purple smoke.
If that was too much, wash it down with a racist genie.
Good luck sleeping tonight.