Well, its time to go back home, after a long a painful visit with your family. Surely, you’ve allowed some terrible treatment and harsh words throughout your endeavor, so you’re ready to get back home and relax, finally letting your hair back down, and getting back to your soul crushing job. Lucky for you though, the flight you thought you were going to be on was delayed by 8 hours, and you now have some free time that you just weren’t ready for. What to do with this new found freedom? I chose to write an article while becoming increasingly inebriated.
Check In: It always helps to get there early and check in, even if you’re 8 hours ahead of schedule, one more thing off the list. I’ve got terrible anxiety about being late, but thankfully that has been absolved by some technical difficulty on the airlines side. That doesn’t stop me though, I’ll be the first poor bastard sitting at that gate ready to board, but until then, there is some exploring to do.
Lay of the land: You’ve gotta know where you’re at before you commit to the purgatory you’ve just been drafted into. Walk up and down the terminal noting the hot spots (figuratively and wi-fi’atively) and find out the best spot to sit for the long haul. Does your spot have access to food, water, booze and wifi? Where’s the bathroom? Do you have a spot for some privacy (a privilege in a packed airport), lastly, where is there a power outlet? These are the things you need to consider before committing your ass to a spot at the airport. I find the corner spots near the hubs the best, they have the fastest wifi, the fancier bars, and the most variety. If you don’t like sitting at a more expensive and less exciting strip club bar, find yourself a lounge.
On a side note, I find an alarming similarity of traveling these days as compared to the scene from the classic total recall. Everything is expensive as hell, space and air are at a premium, there’s probably someone there with three boobs, and airport security is surprisingly aggressive, yet inept.
Find a lounge: The fanciest of fliers get all kinds of perks, my absolute favorite is access to the lounge. Don’t worry, if you’re a cheapskate like me you can still have access to the lounge, for about 30 to 40 bucks. You might balk at this, but let me key you in if you are part of the un-savy, Neanderthal fliers, the lounge gives you access to free food, drinks, power, and internet with an air of shitty sophistication. For the low price of 35 bucks you can pretty much destroy an open bar, eat sandwiches, and stare at the moderately attractive employees that take your trash. This may get old, but not before pounding your face with free drinks until you reach cruising altitude (or a decent buzz). Most of these airlines think you’re some punk ass waiting for an hour for a flight…. Not you, you’re here for the long haul, like an obese man at a buffet.
Find the booze: You’re going to want to find a spot to sit down with access to the booze and food. There’s no way you’re going to make it through this sober. If you’re in the lounge, then this step isn’t much of a challenge, if you aren’t make sure to keep your phone out searching for decent wifi as you browse your selections, only rookies look for signal after finding a spot. Once you determine the area, plant yourself and get comfy. Find a spot where you don’t smell the faint body odor of a fellow traveler so you can drink and blog in peace. You get bonus points if your seat is close enough to leave out your belongings negligently as you pour yourself whatever swill they serve at the mini bar.
Get drunk: ah yes, the selection of an open bar… or as I like to refer to it, dumpster diving. Sure everything at the bar is free, but keep in mind, most of it is akin to a sofa you find outside; it stinks, you have to dress it up, you won’t attract women with it, and at the end of the day it’s just comfy enough to put you to sleep. If youre at a lounge, beware, a bunch of cheap booze taken straight to the face can be quite hazardous to your health while flying, meaning you could violently vomit all over the place after becoming airborne. If you don’t find a lounge, feel free to neck all the over priced booze you can find. I find the spirits are the best value, giving you the most bang for your buck.
Call all the people you never call: Say, remember the guy you met in that bar on your birthday. How is he doing? Now that you are semi-drunk, and stuck with no access to the outside world, why not contact all the folks you never care enough about to call? I find that airport drunk dials are far superior to regular drunk dials. Beware, your desperation will be utterly apparent as soon as the ask the old “how did you get my number?”. Again, I strongly recommend an absurd amount of alcohol to help you cope with the greif and embarrassment of a desperate call to a random person.
Hit on the moderately attractive workers: Nothing says desperate middle-aged man like talking to employees that want nothing to do with you. This, absolutely you can take this plate, as long as I can leer at you and hold an uncomfortable stare. Don’t fear, none of these women (or men) will talk to you for more than a polite moment before retiring to their own depressing story.
After all the uncomfortable stares, and outbursts, you probably want to leave the lounge before an all out assault, or lawsuit. lucky for you there is so much more out there in the wide world of airport hospitality.
Shop at the terrible stores: Duty free is the way to be amiright? Nothing like buying overpriced liquor tax free, then have to lug it around like you’re not an alcoholic. You can also give in to any other vices you feel like entertaining all throughout the terrible selection of propaganda, souvenirs, and tobacco products. Either way you’re doing some binge purchasing.
Get drunk: By this time your buzz is probably wearing of you’re better off stepping back up to the plate and taking one for the team. You’ve probably got about two hours to go, or eight lifetimes in airport speak. To be frank, you’re getting pissed off at the whole situation, you need something to bring you back to the happy zone. Bar keep, something to make me forget please. Double down on whatever you have, best bet that you’ve vastly over estimated your sobriety and you need to really punch yourself in the guy with hard liquor.
Get on your plane: Well I’ll be dammed its time to get out of here, time to pretend to be sober. Get your shit together, again, I mean this both literally and figuratively. Make sure you’ve got everything and move out. Remember, drunk people normally scare or anger sober people, so keep that in mind as you ask the nice lady in the seat next to you where she’s going.
Blackout: ah sleep, shallow, head bobbing, and turbulence filled sleep.