Shaving like a Classy Mother Fucker

So you look like a God forsaken hippy, or worse yet, hipster douche bag, fresh off a bender of ironic sweater shopping, and organic agave kale shots. You’ve woken up only to realize you have to shave that disgusting mug of a face before you continue the treacherous cat and mouse game that is your life. I’ll bet you learned how to shave from watching a movie, tv show, or worst case the Simpsons episode where Homer eats a blow fish and thinks he’s going to die in 24 hours. So your idea of shaving comes from a pressurized tin can of bullshit.   Stop right now and read this, and experience a real shaving experience that wont leave you slapping aftershave on your face to help attach micro pieces of shit paper stick better.

Assemble the tools.

Your face is really important to you, it’s why mirrors are so popular. Treat your face with some damn respect. The tools you buy to shave with will make shaving something you look forward to, or dread.

Shaving Oil. This is not an option, the key to avoiding chafing is lubrication, yes, it applies to your face as well. Picking out a good shave oil will soften the course hair that grows on your face, moisturize your skin, and act as a barrier between that sharp, or dull, razor gliding across your face. If you’re a cheapskate like myself, open your wife’s side of the medicine cabinet and grab the coconut oil, or coco butter. Avoid mineral oils, they’ll just give you pimples.   If your willing to shell out some cash, you can find some much fancier options on the internet. Not that any company would be happy about my unpopular ass endorsing them, but I’m not going to endorse any specific product. Don’t have to be rich to buy class and all that.

Shaving soap and brush. Yup, use shaving soap, don’t you dare use that acidic chemical filled bullshit that comes from a can. It may look soapy, foamy, and feel nice and cool, but it most definitely doesn’t help your face. Most of the products you see on the shelves have a bunch of chemicals and acids in them, which end up irritating your face and facilitating chaffing. Shaving soap however, is usually created with animal or plant fats as tallow, acting as an additional barrier between the blade and your face.

Shaving brush. This is what helps apply the soap to your face without using your hands like a filthy animal. You don’t need a fancy ass brush, I got mine for about eight bucks at Walmart, it works fine.

Shaving dish. Not completely necessary, but nice to have. If you want to try it on for size before spending money on one, substitute a coffee mug for a fancy ass shaving dish and be the judge. The shaving dish is used to build the lather before adding the shaving soap to your face. Honestly, you can just use a brush filled with soap on your face to build the lather.

The razor. For the love of God, don’t use a straight razor. If you want to spend good money on outdated technology, be my guest you hipster bastard. Good luck finding film for your Polaroid camera. Modern safety razors are designed with multiple blades for functionality, it’s not a gimmick. the leading edge pushes the skin down, the first blade actually pulls the hair out for the second to cut it at the base. Other blades just cut deeper on the hair. Find a blade with a flexible head and a body that you can balance.

Styptic Pencil. Used to stop bleeding from small cuts. Honestly, I don’t use this very often due to my baller status shaving techniques. However, these things are good to have, cheap, easy to transport, and can also be used in first aid for simple cuts and scrapes, so just get one.

Post shave moisturizer. This is where you invest in something good. This goes onto the skin to heal potential damage, not just from your razor, but from all the other shit you put your face through. I like buying a moisturizer with sunscreen in it, to keep me from looking like my wallet. At the end of the day, just get something to moisturize your face and keep your skin from drying up.

Now for the process.

First things first, get that water going nice and hot. If you want to save water, let the water fall on your shaving brush as it warms up. Wash your nasty face making sure to rub your stubbly mess with warm water. This starts the process of softening your naturally course facial hair.

Take a note of the way your facial hair grows in, if you’re like Joe Dirt, having a natural white trash mix of hair growth both up, down, and straight out, understand it’s pattern to facilitate shaving.

Take a liberal amount of pre shave oil and massage it into your still moist face. You can warm the oil by rubbing your hands vigorously like a little Mr. Miagi. This will moisturize the hairs, and provide a barrier to your skin, basically something for your razor to glide on as it pulls and cuts the hair.

Soak your shaving brush in the water, you want it dripping wet like your mother. Once it’s saturated with water, open your shave soap wide and get it ready for use, also like your mother.

Swirl the brush on the soap to load it. You can then go straight from the soap to your face, or into the shave bowl. Either way, build your lather by swirling the brush in small circles over your face or in your bowl. A lather will start to build. Reload the brush with soap as needed and coat your face.

After you’re happy with your lather, grab your razor and put it under some hot water. If you have a razor with a little gel bar at the top, it’ll get it moist and prepared for your face.

Shave with the grain at first, then against the grain to get the closest shave. I start with the neck, going up to the jawline. Wash the stubble out of your razor every few strokes. Switch up and go against the grain.

Next up is the sideburns and the cheeks, again with the grain, then against it. You should be left with a soapy goatee.  Avoid looking like Luke Perry by lining your side burn with the bottom or middle of the opening to your ear canal

Tighten your lower lip by shoving your tongue between your lip and your gums, like a fucked up Bubba impression. Swipe with the grain for your lower lip and chin, then against. Tighten your upper lip by flaring your nostrils and pulling your lip down over your teeth. With the grain and against to finish up the shave.

Bam, that’s it, your face is now as smooth as Carrot Top’s forehead. Switch that water from hot to cold, and wash off the rest of the shaving soap.

Take a look, got any cuts? If so, dip your styptic pencil in water and press it against the nick or cut to stop the bleeding. After you’re done repairing your face, its time to moisturize and protect your face.

Take your post shave moisturizer and apply a generous amount to your face. Life’s a bitch, use these opportunities to massage yourself, it actually acts as a stress reliever, which will add to the overall process of shaving.

There you have it. Go fucking own the day now.

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