So you’ve been selected as the best man for a wedding, inheriting a maelstrom of logistical problems and awkward social interactions. None of that matters, that shit is the cake, the icing is the bachelor party, and you’re ready to eat a tub of that shit. You might be socially inept, disheveled, and ill prepared, but don’t fret, I’m here to walk you through this dilemma of yours. What follows has been formulated and handed down through generations of classy bastards like myself to help the dregs of society, like you, formulate a plan amidst the chaos to give your best friend a night of debauchery.
I must admit, each bachelor party I’ve planned and participated in has been of questionable morals and never to be mentioned in polite company. Regardless, you can use the following advice for all kinds… just subtract the things that would make even your father blush.
That’s when Nelson knew, he’d fucked up.
- What does the Bachelor want?
The first thing you do, right after your buddy asks you to be a best man, is stare into his eyes and ask him what he wants for his bachelor party. Don’t thank him, or waste your breath, you establish right there that you mean business. There’s a lot to decide, and you might not have much time to do it. So lets flesh out what the perfect bachelor party means to the groom to be.
Here’s a disclaimer, not every bachelor party has to be the same, do what the groom will enjoy. There’s no bigger buzz kill than forcing some poor bastard onto a stage to get spanked by strippers if he’s uncomfortable the whole time. Get an idea for when, where, and what, the rest can be fleshed out later. This will give you an idea for the unspoken rules, and some guidance on what the limits are. After the scope of the party is determined, the bachelor can sit back and rest while you put together something regrettable for him. A good way to solidify this is to come up with a theme, determine limits, and get an idea for the price tag.
I’m pretty thorough
When: 2 days in August and basic agenda
Where: New Orleans
What: A night of class, followed by a day of trash
Off limits: Murder… that’s about it
Budget: Make it rain
2. Where to?
Location is huge. The bachelor will probably know exactly where he wants to go, but have a few recommendations to help him just in case. You go to places for a reason, so know what he wants out of the location. Consult the chart below to determine what vibe you want, I’ve made recommendations based on each result.
You’ve gotta sleep somewhere, so pick something that will fit the budget and allow you to congregate and give you options. There’s some limitations on this one cause, well money and legality is involved.
A). Hotels / Hostel: If you go with a hotel, I recommend getting at least one suite to gather the party in and avoid having to coordinate for a different venues.
A1). Pros: Established practice, can come with amenities, can provide free meals, often includes a restaurant / bar in the lobby, most likely located near entertainment.
A2). Cons: Hidden fees, come with a mixed company (families), higher chance of authorities showing up, decentralized lodging (gotta wrangle the cats), more regulation and rules.
B). Air BnB: Recommend a large house with a common area and at least two bathrooms.
B1). Pros: Less regulation, bigger spaces, consolidated lodging, atmosphere, more accommodating hosts, normally less restrictive.
B2). Cons: Host personality determines rules, neighborhood rules, away from the action, could incur transportation fees to get to the party.
Some Air BnBs are better than others as you can see
C). Camping: Not the best if you want to get into shenanigans, but depending on where you go camping you could find some pretty active campgrounds.
C1). Pros: Cheapest option, access to people and activities (outdoors), centralized location of the group.
C2). Cons: Limited options, hangovers suck in the outdoors, specialized equipment needed.
- Make your lineup, who the hell is on the roster and what does the Bachelor want?
So you’ve got a rough idea of what the bachelor party is, the next question is how many guys are participating. Just like dicks, Size is everything, more than 10 is difficult, and no matter what she says less than 5 awkward. Take a good inventory of who’s coming with you to get an idea of that this party is going to look like, cause you’re the damn ring leader and you need to be able to talk to everyone. If you don’t know some of the guys coming along, now’s a good time to ask for a quick run down of who the hell these guys are. You’re going to have to be the bad guy here. Look out for the following wet blankets in the ranks and plan for mitigating their effects.
You know who the hell you are
A). The Cheapskate or Scrub: Always complaining about money and avoiding expenses on the trip. For bigger trips and more grand settings, this asshole is the one who insists on splitting things, sharing rooms, and pissing off the various workers at the party scene (bouncers, bartenders, strippers, and waiters). Mitigate this asshole by clearly defining the price tag expectation up front and getting a commitment early on. Lodging and transportation have the highest potential for a large price tag, make sure you illustrate this to the group.
B). The Choir Boy, The Rat, The Inside Threat: This rotten bastard is quick to throw you under the bus, or vocally object to the scheduled activities. Often times, this guy will use religion or some bizarre moral code to justify being a douche bag, and bringing down your party. Other times, this could be a family member of the bride, which doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to rat out the groom, but you definitely have to treat him like an inside threat. Mitigate this through carful communication and options. I like to set the tone up front and be cutthroat about it, feelings be dammed I will tell you to fuck off with the quickness if your gonna rain on my carefully constructed depravity parade. Include options and let them know when to bail if they are down to hang out, but don’t want to get in a moral quandary with their significant others.
C). The Brawler and the Bawler: Booze is probably a big part of your planning, these intolerable folk decide to get emotional as their BAC rises. I put both of them together cause both are embarrassing and require babysitting, only difference is that the brawler will get you arrested and in trouble with the law. Mitigate these two toddlers by assigning a babysitter, preferably a close friend, that can cool things down when they get passionate. The babysitter must stay more sober than said problem, and be willing to shell out some cash to calm the situation.
Identify, plan, and mitigate. That’s the name of the game boys. Don’t let one of these guys drop your carefully constructed house of cards.
- Assign party roles and responsibilities.
This sounds very structured and boring, but I always like to make a game of it, and let the guys own the roles. This takes some of the pressure off of you, the best man, and keeps things focused around the bachelor. Feel free to add more roles, but remember, this can get unwieldy (you know the whole dick analogy), so take caution.
Some of the players take this more seriously than others
A). Mr. Vice: Responsible for keeping the Bachelor boozed up and full of cigarettes, drugs, or cigars. If the bachelor is a gambler, Mr. Vice has to be ready to find a table, or get him some chips. Mr. Vice should be one of the more dependable actors in your little shit show.
B). Mr. Governor: Responsible for moving the party along, keeping the group together. This is often times the Best Man. Mr. Governor should be the loudest and most outgoing guy in the group, not afraid to make an announcement or get the group moving.
C). Mr. Regret: This is your photographer and scribe. Someone has to keep record of all the depravity that goes down. Your group will naturally have one of these guys, just ask for instagram profiles, or snapchat handles, you’ll route this guy out. Remember the golden rule, you can take all the pictures you like, but nothing goes online with out sober group / bachelor approval.
D). Mr. Wildcard: This guy amps up the party, by throwing curve balls and lighting shit on fire. You’re gonna want a guy with low moral values and personal shame. If your party isn’t noteworthy, Mr. Wildcard needs to step up his game.
E). Mr. Nice Guy: Pick your most handsome charming mother fucker for this task. Mr. Nice Guy makes sure you don’t get in trouble, and finds ways to draw a crowd. For the single guys in the party, Mr. Nice Guy is like a permanent wing man.
F). Mr. Bachelor or King Asshole: Ah, yes, this poor bastard. This is the guy you center all your efforts on. Make sure he’s always having a good time by giving him access to Mr. Vice, Mr. Wildcard, and Mr. Nice Guy. The Governor, Mr. Regret, and any baby sitters are there for support.
Manage your talent efficiently and effectively and you can sit back and watch, waiting for moments to get involved to steer the party. As the best man, that’s your job, see the bigger picture and manage the party.
- Themes, props, and party enhancers
Look, don’t make this shit boring, you’ve gotta get a little weird and break the comfort zone. Themes centralize efforts and set the tone, props bring people together and focus outsider’s attention to enhance the theme, party enhancers are hired, or volunteered help. I like to add a bit of these flavors throughout the experience to keep things spicy.
Merchandising, Merchandising, where the real money of the bachelor party is made.
Make up themes that paint the picture for the party. My favorite is Trashy and Classy. You know what you’re getting with that theme over a two day bachelor party. Your whole crew can plan their party accordingly with the snobs getting a little something, and the less sophisticated having a chance to show their strength. It also sets the financial tone, you know you’re gonna have one night where you have to spend money to make up for your lack of fucks.
With a theme in mind, find some props to help create the atmosphere. Shirts to unite the party and make your members recognizable help set a wolf pack mentality. Hats, glasses, beads, cups… they help identify the bachelor party as a center of attention anywhere you go. One of my favorites is to give the bachelor a kings crown and cape, or handcuff him to a radio flyer (so he can pull shit around for you).
The royal treatment
Most bachelor parties are fueled by shame, regret, and booze, so add some party enhancers to really scale up those metrics. I like to hire a professional photographer to capture the more sober moments. It takes pressure off Mr. Regret, and gives the bachelor some plausible deniability with his future wife. I also like the idea of a hot bartender (topless to be exact) to wet the pallet and set the tone. You’ve gotta find yourself a girl that can keep up with banter, and hold her own, you don’t have time for a topless buzz kill. This can be the wink to your smile when throwing a classy affair, and help you route out potential troublemakers based on the maturity the boys handle her with.
- Everyone likes a challenge.
The last thing I like to sprinkle into the equation is some challenges. I treat bachelor parties like a real life video game with needless achievements to break the bachelor and make for some good stories. Give your agenda a look and come up with some interesting things to make sure the party is working towards a good time. You can play this in with your themes; for example, I made a list of poker hands for my buddies bachelor party in Vegas. Each hand had a specific thing to take a picture of like; a picture with a bachelorette, shots with his brothers, an element of a strippers wardrobe. The party doesn’t end until he fills up his checklist.
I like to bring some production value to the table
- Set the agenda, reserve, and communicate.
These are all the non-fun parts of planning, the logistics. Make sure to reserve your venues early and get buy in from the group. I like to set an event on facebook and invite the party. It gives you a good spot to post info and communicate changes. The agenda doesn’t have to be down to the minute, but make sure you put something together and let the bachelor, and the group, have a chance to amend and change it if needed. As the best man, be prepared to front some cash, and front load the ass pain to make sure everything is taken care of. The logistics big three… Transportation, Food, and Lodging, get that right and you’ll be fine.
Well that’s about it, go forth and conquer. Remember, you’re the man to make this shit happen, you are fucking this chicken, so make sure someone’s holding the wings, and you’ve assembled your tools. Aside from that, go out and make it memorable.