If you’ve ever been on a cruise ship you realize, it’s literally going on a vacation with about 4,000 people. Not that you are going on vacation around 4,000 people, no, you are all on one big trip together. You eventually develop a pattern of life on the ship and settle into a routine. The thing is, so does everybody else, which creates a disgusting little eco system that you evolve to become a part of. But in this cesspool of delinquents you start to see patterns, groups, and reoccurring themes. I’ve gone on three cruises now, and I think I’ve categorized these weirdos for your reading pleasures.
1. Physical Oddities: These people deserve a second look. These folks probably still stand out in everyday life amongst the civilized, but on the boat, these oddballs start to cluster like multiple balls in a pinball game. I’d just like to point out, I’m not saying these guys are freak shows or anything, but their presence and quirks are amplified when seen amongst the rest of the scum on the boat.
The Olympians– These two, and there are always two, are ALWAYS at the gym, or working to even out a tan. These are the two most ripped and jacked couple on the boat. They wear nothing but workout apparel, and are rarely seen doing anything social in nature.
Agent Orange– Hands down the most tan person on the boat. These leather bound skeletons continue to work on their tan, even though their presence increases your chance for melanoma.
The Illustrated Man / Woman– Super tats, ink covers their body, sometimes they come in pairs, but for the most part there is always someone on the boat covered in tats.
Big-foot– He’s at the pool, and he’s wearing a sweater of human hair. To him there is no such thing as man-scaping. They surely shut down the pool after big-foot gets out just to make sure the pumps don’t get clogged.
The Trophy Wife– No cruise would be complete without a disgustingly old guy carting around a disturbingly young woman with a face full of surgery and a torso full of silicone.
2. Herds and Groups: These are the typical people that you might run into in real life only concentrated in the tin can of a cruise ship. Their annoyance has been turned up to 11, and they somehow inhabit all of the public areas of the ship seemingly at once.
Douche Troop– This streak of D-bags, numbering 3-8, with an average maturity peaking at about 7th grade can be found primarily at the bars, pool, and clubs. These are the guys that go on a cruise because of the prospect of meeting women and the ability to buy roofies at the ports of call. They are by far the most annoying group on this list.
Party Girls– Similar to the Douche Troop, these girls have the same numbers, maturity levels, and often sport nice clothing, soiled by colorful mixed drinks. They sign up for the cruise in the hopes of romance, but most often end up crying amongst themselves and holding their heels.
Garbage Pale Kids– These gross ass kids clump together in a little murder of patient zeros, grotesque features, and always dirty children, seldom with a person that could plausibly of spawned them. These kids are always at the buffet, and anything with water, to include the jacuzzis and adult pools.
“Old Enough to Drink” Kids– It’s spring break, and the graduating class of wherever has decided to go on a cruise with their parents, where out at sea means old enough for me. These kids are often trying to sneak booze in the most obvious ways possible, whilst trying to downplay the fact that they’re on the boat with their parents.
3. Attention Whores: These people are normally tolerable in day to day life, but the increased likelihood of running into them, or aliens-forbid being forced into a social situation with them, makes you roll your eyes out of your skull.
Sisqo’s Inspiration– There is always one girl that packs nothing but tight rolls of thongs in her luggage. Of course she can be spotted at the pool, somehow almost exclusively at the pool. Just remember not to stare too hard, as the sheer number of people around, will most definitely solidify you as the creepy guy.
Pool Girls– This could be a break off from the aforementioned party girls, one may even be Sisqo’s Madonna, but most likely this is a pair of women that make it their job to hold down the tiles around the edge of the pool. Sometimes they’re content to sit their silently, sometimes, if you make it close enough, you can hear their judgements and complaints about the surrounding cruisers. Either way, you’ll never find them without an umbrella drink.
Divas– Look everyone likes to dress nice, but these chicks are dressed WAY too nice. They make everything about their elaborately gaudy outfits, and will actually shop at the ridiculously over priced shops on the boat.
Alcoholics Identified– These few sad saps might legitimately have a drinking problem, some are just so damn pumped to be on the cruise that they refuse to not be shit faced. Either way, these fuckers can’t be seen without a drink in their hand. The best is when you see them loudly object to the staff refusing to serve them alcohol.
4. No Fucks Given: There are several people on this list, yet not a single fuck the be given. These tired and briny shipmates refuse don’t let a little thing like shame or judgement stop them from being who they are.
Fat guy in a little swimsuit– Never fails, romping around the pool buffet area is an obnoxiously large man wearing an obnoxiously small pair of shorts. There is scarcely little given in both the available cloth covering his ass, as well as the fucks available in the space this man is giving. This goes both ways, cause there have been plenty of very large women conquering the poolside like so many beached whales.
Basic Chick– Yeah those are sweat pants, yes that is a stain on her shirt, she doesn’t care, these folk are the complete opposite of the Divas in both dress and appearance. You never see these people going to the sit down dinner, no, nothing more than the burger bar and maybe the buffet on the dress up night. On the plus side, the longer you’re at sea, the better looking they get.
Booze horders– Take a trip back to high school, when booze was a rare commodity, handed to you from on high, or a homeless guy you paid to buy it for you, cause often times these kids can’t legally by booze, instead having to buy it on port calls and smuggling it back in to the boat. The phenomenon occurs in the older crowd as well, when they get sick of paying strip club prices for shitty sugar water with a shot of piss rum. Either way, they hike around coffee thermoses, bottles of water with no labels, and often carry a spare soft drink mixer with them. It’s obvious, but they’re drunk enough to have lost all fucks.
Professional Dads– There’s nothing these men aren’t ready for, you can tell by their standard uniform. Boonie cap, long sleeve moisture wicking button down shirt (extra points for a PFG shirt), cargo shorts, ankle socks, and sneakers. Standard issue is a backpack with the kids stuff, a comically large bottle of water, sun screen, sun glasses, and seasonal gear. They may look like they are venturing into Jurassic Park, but it’s better than hearing her shit again (am I right fellas?). Pro Dad doesn’t care about you, because he doesn’t have the energy to. He hates you, and your fun.
Salty Parents– Toddlers. They are absolute terrorist. In a boat full of people acting like drunken assholes, they still manage to stand out. The parents of toddlers on a boat hate everyone around them. They know you’re bothered by their kid screaming, but for you, this is an annoying story that you share with your friends about that one time, for them, it’s life. They often sport the same outfit as the basic chick, cause let’s face it, does it really matter when everything else has a stain on it?
5. Rarities and Odd Ones: These shellbacks are 1% of the population on the boat, and are uncanny in their ability to stand out amongst thousands. They can either be complete standalones or, could be part of one of the previously mentioned weirdos smashed together like a little fusion bomb of oddity.
Fat Guy and Hot girl Combo– I’ve seen one of these couples, ONE, every time. Some how there is a limit of this type of couple on every boat. The title explains it all, it’s an absurdly large person, with an astonishingly good looking girl or boy friend. This always requires a double take, because the arm candy is almost always in the most revealing outfits or walking around shirtless. It’s not a jealousy thing, I always think, “well good for you”, but it is something that takes you aback.
Generation Party– This is by far the cutest of the bunch, generation parties are when a family including at least three generations goes on a cruise together. It’s usually the grandchildren’s celebration of whatever, but dammit they roll deep and they refuse to break up the party. If you see these folks, follow them around, I promise you it will be worth it. The grandparents will get shit faced and say something extremely embarrassing, or possibly racist. Followed by the grandchildren trying like hell to bang someone.
So there you go, book a cruise and bust out your personal game of bingo and see if you can see these monuments of human oddities. By all means, if you have more for this list, let me know, as I do play a sort of messed up bingo with my wife every time we go out on the ship, we’re always looking to add to the board.
Caffeinated Face Punch 