COVID 19: The Shit Show

There are some hard lessons being learned about how we respond to a pandemic, and I’m lucky enough to be at one of the centers trying to figure out the problem.  No we aren’t developing cures, or doing research, that’s for the heroes that matter.  We are trying to preserve our ability to deploy a force of ready Soldiers and conduct combat operations. As always, I’ve identified some problems that I’d like to share in hopes that my peers and subordinates alike can read and learn from my time in staff purgatory.

1. Failure to adapt

The number one problem we’ve been facing is the Army’s willingness to run into the brick wall until we break through with wanton disregard for our personal safety. Senior leaders have decided that COVID-19 is slowly approaching our defensive positions and we’re going to be able to react fast enough to keep it out, after identification.  As we all know, that’s simply not the case with a viral pandemic.  Our assumptions are old, outdated, and full of holes.  This is blatantly apparent in the generation of officers raised prior to GWOT serving in senior positions now.  With an organization as rigid and unflappable as the US Army, it’s hard to tell these boomers to open their eyes, which is the root of the problem, we fail to adapt.  

Just keep going we’ll get through this together trooper!

      Let me tell you first hand, our organization had insisted on maintaining physical meetings indoors until the end of March, only just publishing guidance to limit training to squad and below.  Hell, the 82^nd and 173^rd did an airborne operation after the order to maintain social distancing.  I’ve driven down streets watching Soldiers stand in formation, days after they were ordered not to.  While this is a problem during the pandemic, I point to a larger problem which is our rigid adherence to “how we’ve always done it”.  We just don’t like changing things.  I knew this was a problem in 2010 when I was in Iraq and Frank our CSM insisted on PT formations outside, “just like garrison”.  I would argue that both formations in the examples are stupid, and our leadership is the problem if they’re unwilling to step in and protect us from the madness.

Don’t worry about the rocket attacks, we need to maintain good order and discipline

      Another scab that just won’t heal is the reliance on power point.  Look, don’t get me wrong, power point can do some good, but it’s not the only tool in the kit.  Part of my beef with power point is that it has prioritized optics over content.  I’ve physically seen officers be denigrated in public for having the wrong font.  We’re so worried that icons aren’t aligned that we lose picture of the operational framework.  Couple this emphasis on aesthetics with an actual crisis and we lose critical horse power that could be utilized to do good.  In other words, Arial font wont kill COVID, get over it Boomer.

Yeah… it’s kind of a well known thing

     Last point here, let me share a buzz phrase that makes every Officer under the age of 40 shudder.  We need to “operationalize” this.  A similar phrase that brings staff officers to immediate murder mode is “let’s codify that in the FRAGO”.  Both these phrases stink of generations past where ample time and space were given to training events and situations developed daily or weekly.  In the days of COVID, the situation changes every moment.  You like those numbers? Too bad, shit is about to change.  We can’t get tied down to battle rhythms and prescribed times.  It’s 2020, shit moves faster than what we’re accustomed to, let’s all get used to it cause COVID isn’t taking any weekends off.  

 2. “Readiness”

The hardest thing for type “A” people to do is take a damn break, this is extremely apparent in the military, where time out of the office is a mark of shame for most.  My two cents says we need to get past that antiquated notion.  To quote the Chief of Staff of the Army, “We’re an industrial age army, in an information age world.”  He was referencing our systems and processes, but I feel like this is applicable to our COVID response as well.  From January until March the military was only concerned with preserving training readiness and loath to cancel any training events based on the doom and gloom coming from the CDC.  If you think that January and March were too early to really know the impact, I’ll remind you that the US army lost about 12 men to disease for every 1 killed in the trenches of WWI. 

That’s right…this is a peace time hospital

Let that shit sink in.  We should be quite keen on the whole communicable disease thing, but we continue to push training readiness, as seen by all the facebook posts of Paratroopers going through JMPI with masks on their face, then cramming into a packed aircraft. 

     News flash, our force is made up of a majority of support personnel.  Army University Press published Occasional Paper 23 by John J. McGrath, to the Long War Series where they showed the graph depicted below.  The paper took a look at a cross section of Forces in Iraq for 2005, which shows only 28% of forces listed as combat forces.  So why does this matter?  The trigger pullers are the minority, and we are sacrificing the safety of the logisticians and supporting contractors by refusing to read the writing on the wall. I would argue that your M4 range is not as vital as the bulk cargo capability at an airfield.  That’s the readiness we need to preserve, its not just putting metal on metal, it’s getting the hardware there in the first place.

APU Figures for Iraq 2005

      Bottom line, our maintenance and support systems are important, much more so than jumping out of an airplane for currency, or conducting a range to maintain “readiness”.  If you want a ready force, make sure they’re healthy, and not facing repertory failure prior to H-Hour, or P-Hour for you Paratroopers out there.

3. Decision cycles and getting ahead of the problem

     The most egregious issue we’ve seen in the military, facing the Corona Virus, is the lag time for decision making.  COVID-19 moves at the speed of people, this is not a slow moving hoard of bad guys, it’s an invisible germ that hides for two weeks before letting you know you’re fucked.  Additionally, some people are asymptomatic while spreading the virus, ala typhoid Mary.  Yet, we continue to ask people if they’re symptomatic and take their temperatures while we continue to allow them to share gym equipment and house them in the same building until symptoms present themselves.  That’s like asking your creepy uncle to pick up your kid at school and buying a nanny cam afterwards. 

If the shoe fits…

     Town hall after town hall I watch senior Army Leaders dodge questions and give political answers.  The underlying issue is that we lack adaptable leaders willing to address the problems and concerns over optics.  Nobody wants to be the general that overreacted or underestimated the problem. They walk a fine line of just enough to get by, and Joe, or even worse, military family members, are paying for it. Some senior leaders went so far as to say Soldiers were “safer in the field”. 

#killthevirus

     Drastic times call for drastic measures, if you ask me, which nobody has, but still, if you ask me, making a decision now is better than waiting for guidance and having it blow up in our face.  We’re playing the long game now, we’re talking a two week flash to bang, and our leaders need to be prepared to look at LEAST two weeks into the future to create their vision of success and implement measures to get there.

Stay healthy out there kids.

Here’s a link to the CDC website.  Please make sure you guys are keeping healthy and take more precautions than you think.  If not for you then for your family and friends that may not react to the virus as you would.  Remember the goal here is to slow it down to help the folks in the hospitals catch up to the demand, and we’ve all gotta do our part.  

Some Hard Pills to Swallow

Every so often I set a side a pre determined number of days where I go completely sober, usually about a month or two. Sober October is a pretty popular challenge, but I like to do it any time I go a little too hard in the paint. This month, I’ve sworn off fried foods, grains, starches, sugar, and alcohol. If you think this is ridiculous, I’ll let you know I’ve done much more ridiculous things, and that going a block of time without the effects that these food and drug products produce can be very eye opening. Incase you don’t want to put in the time, I’ve captured these nuggets into convenient little truth bombs for your reading pleasure.

1. We’re all addicts

What you think of as your daily routine is just a list of shit you’re addicted to. Everyday you wake up, go on some kind of auto pilot for the things you do until you put yourself to bed and repeat the process the next day. The beautiful part about being a human is that we get to choose what things go on that to do list. We have the free will and the luxury of pursuing things outside of food, shelter, and reproduction. The sad part about humanity though is most people just want to get comfortably numb and masturbate.

pictured: the audience I cater to

You can call it whatever you want, but there’s not much difference between the payoff of actual masturbation and binge watching the new season of your favorite series, or playing video games until the early morning. Face it, if you sit down to eat with a glass of wine every night, you’re and alcoholic, if you beat off before bed every night, you’re addicted to masturbation, if you’re glued to your phone, you’re addicted to social media. It might not be destroying your life, but it’s not exactly making it better.

except everyone is depressed, overweight, and starved for real social interaction

The point of this preaching is merely to point out that we are creatures of habit, and those habits are the silent addictions we all foster, without thinking about them. If you have shitty habits, you’re signing up to be a shitty person. I’m sure most of you out there are saying something akin to “not me, I can quit whenever I want, it’s just X or Y, it’s not a big deal”. Well then do it, and if you can’t do it for thirty days without having to fight the urge, maybe re-evaluate your justifications, because…

2. We justify our actions with excuses

Everything we do boils down to decisions and excuses. There is seldomly a time where a personal failure is purely the product of external circumstances. The gut reaction is always to retract from this statement with excuses and weak justifications, faster than you can close all those open tabs you had open before your significant other walked in the room.

just checking the weather sweetie, man it’s hot in here right?

While lying to others might work half the time, telling yourself a convenient lie is full proof. If your life isn’t where you want it to be, chances are you’ve made a habit of lying to yourself. Being honest with yourself is difficult, and it’s not something we’ve been raised to do, shit double so if you’re a millennial that grew up in the “everybody gets a trophy” day’s like I did.

we give sport trophies to kids that play video games folks… that’s where we’re at right now

If you don’t believe me, try questioning yourself every time you fail at something. Instead of blaming others, “throwing shade”, trolling someone, or finding a scape goat, look deep down and think about what you could have done differently to change the outcome. This goes double if your name is Barbra and you want to speak with the manager. You have to make a conscious effort to improve this because…

3. Failure is subconscious

As soon as your brain (the id, not the ego) decides that that something is too difficult, you have failed. You have to literally beat this instinct out of your brain through denial and difficulty, it’s why exercise is so damn good for you. You’re brain has evolved to seek easy pleasures to ensure survival long enough to make a baby, it’s like your subconscious is your unruly drunk friend that just wants to fuck, fight, or pass out. No matter what happens you’re stuck with your friend, and you’re going to have to put his ass to bed before you can free yourself.

Feels a little close to home…

The problem, as I’ve mentioned, is if you’re used to justifying your shitty actions, or making excuses for yourself, you’re going to take that soft excuse over the hard work every time. Also, your friend is probably going to throw up on someone, and that’s never fun.

Owning the fact that your brain has had a little too much comfort, and enacting change is how you make progress. Set your goals, kill your doubts, be convinced you’ll find success, and don’t stop until you do. Stop wasting your time with shit that ultimately doesn’t matter, cause at the end of the day, no matter how badass that donut was, that wasn’t real happiness. Having a beer may feel good for a moment, but how long does that really last in the grand scheme of things? Besides, these time leeches are just using you for the two things you’re good for….

4. Time and money, is all they want

Look around at the world, you’ll find a long and varied list of things trying to exploit you for time, money, or both. They aren’t all bad, hell my four year old is a straight up emotional terrorist in trying to keep my attention, and have me spend money, but our relationship is worth the minefield he lays out for me. Writing this article took time away from something else I could have been doing, but the writing helps me think, it clears my head, and lets me create something, it’s important to me.

Also I feel pretentious doing this.

Technology has become so involved that it to seeks your time and money, it’s why advertising is so damn intrusive these days. Hell, you can’t watch a streaming video on youtube without an ad playing before the video and during the video, banner ads at the bottom throughout, and most likely the subject of the video making an advertising pitch. I may be a hypocrite for saying this… but jumping Jesus, even porn has advertisements these days.

You can clear your cache, but kitty always remembers

The point is, your goals and aspirations take time and effort, both of which are finite things that you can offer. Destractions are common in a society of destractions, if you don’t believe me, look up from your smartphone and see how many other people will actually make eye contact with you. Hell, even if you’re taking a dump in public, chances are there is someone in the stall next to you nervously timing out their poop sounds while reading or watching something.

*** side note, it’s never ok to watch a video with the sound on while pooping in public, I shouldn’t have to say this.

So to circle everything back around…

You own your time, your decisions, and your excuses. How does taking 30 day’s off of drinking and eating rich foods help me understand this? Cause everyone says they aren’t addicted to these time leeches, and basic pleasures, but they’re the only things standing in the way of attaining a better life, saying no to things makes this very apparent. It’s hard to turn down free donuts, it’s hard to drink water at the bar, it’s not fun to see a big pan of fajitas and have to tell the waiter that you don’t want any tortillas or chips, but it’s not impossible, it’s a hell of a lot easier than creating and writing an article, or learning a new skill.

Take some time away from the screen and think of some goals for yourself, kill your doubt, set the time, and do it until you make your goal. Don’t settle for failure, keep working at it like it matters, cause you only live once (I’m taking it back from the damn you YOLO kids!). Some distractions are ok, just make sure they are distractions that out weigh your goals, facebook is never worth your dreams.

Now get to work bitch!

Moments of Terrible Parenthood

As a parent, you are propelled to a level of responsibility in which none of your other experiences could have prepared you for.  Lack of sleep, irritability, and overall ignorance, give you a high probability of messing up, and, from all accounts, you will.  Sometimes, you can laugh these mistakes off, but sometimes you feel like the worst parent in the world.  These are a few of the things I’ve done, in my time as a father, to let you know you’re not alone.  My kid has survived, and doesn’t appear to be physically or emotionally scarred (yet?).  So if you’ve had one of these moments, just know the world doesn’t end, no matter how terrible you feel. 

Drops

Living on the edge

Dropping your child is dipping your toe in the water of lifelong guilt as a parent.  It’s the first chill up your spine making you feel like a true piece of shit.  You may have been overconfident till this point, thinking it could never be you, then one misstep, one moment you’re not paying attention, you hear a thud, and you see the tears in your kid’s eyes.  Congratulations, you’re the worst mother/father ever. 

There I was, the family and I were visiting family in Houston, I just changed my kid’s diaper, and it was time to pull up those big boy pants.  This was about the time I was leaving the house on the way to another destination, which, if you’ve ever been to Houston, can understand the anxiety of driving on the freeways.  My kid was holding onto my legs as I bent forward and pulled up.  As I pulled up, his grip gave way and the pants acted as a fulcrum propelling his head backwards like he was an actor doing a wire flip.

Looked a little like this

I distinctly remember our eyes connecting as his head hit the ground and his eyes welled with tears.  I picked him up and held him apologizing and rubbing his head.  He pushed me away and went with his mother, making me feel like an even bigger turd.  My step father approached me afterward and said “Evan these things happen, it’s ok, he’ll be fine” something I thought was dismissive and insincere at the time as I wallowed in shame.

Was everything ok?  Looking back on it, he was fine, and I’m grateful that someone was there to try and make me feel a little less like a neglectful asshole.  The kid cried, and he had a headache, but we got to my grandmothers house and played like normal. Not to say I don’t feel bad about it to this day, but it wasn’t the life changing event that I thought it was at the time.

Fireworks

What could go wrong with some fireworks?

It was a cool night in London, and we had just heard about a fireworks display over the river. It was the 11^th day of November, and the Brits put on one hell of a remembrance day celebration.  We were walking along the River Thames, in anticipation of this display that I was sure was going to blow my kids mind and solidify my spot as father of the year. 

My kid was on my shoulders, just old enough to prop his own head up and firmly hold onto my hair as he looked around blissfully ignorant.  We just had some pizza and ice cream, we were on vacation, give me a god damn break. The clock ticked closer, and we found an awesome view, overlooking the river in a crowd of people, we were all smiles and laughter, other parents gave us nods of approval, sharing a parental win for the situation.  The problem with fireworks by the way, is that they are explosions, so they’re loud as shit. 

Like this guy but more British

The sound that came from maybe a half mile away, assaulted my kids eardrums and senses so hard that he let go of my hair and clutched onto my face like he was falling off a cliff.  This position also put his face right next to my ear at just the right time for him to scream, at the top of his tiny lungs, in agonizing fear.  I brought him down and held him to my chest, bewildered at what just happened, as I looked around, I was met with judgement; what an asshole (arse I guess would be more appropriate).

Father, why!?

We speed walked away to get some distance for the kid, he was pretty upset.  We found our way to some open building that turned out to be affiliated with the communist party, judging by all the propaganda on the walls, but it was a commie stronghold with a lobby, water, and a bathroom for us to get our shit together.  We all sat there and gave the kid some time to compose himself, as I stared in irony at the anti-capitalist rhetoric on the walls.  Turns out kids don’t like explosions when they can feel it in their chests. 

Was everything ok?  Yeah, the kid is fine, he doesn’t freak out over loud noises, or have hearing issues, I might have felt like I went from best dad ever to sociopath, but damn that’s the deal you make with a kid when you decide to be a parent, both of you are going to make mistakes.

Car door

Mind the Gap

There are many priorities when arriving at the house late at night with a very tired and cranky child.  I had stuff to get out of the car, we just took a bunch of maternity pictures, and to top it off we were all tired and hungry.  My kid is old enough to hop out of his seat on his own, which led to some exploration in the garage while I loaded up my arms with dinner, outfits, and whatever the hell else we had packed away in there. 

A side note:  My kid usually hops out of the car and either messes around with his bike, or just goes inside the house, so the thing that’s about to happen was the furthest possibility from my mind. 

I used my elbow to slam the car door closed, only to hear a blood curdling scream.  I snapped my head over to see the kid, knife hand wedged into the tiny gap between the car doors between the drivers side door, and back door.  The term “oh shit” really doesn’t do justice for what went through my mind.  I think if I were going to put words to it, it would sound more like, and please excuse the vulgarity, “holy fucking shit, what the fuck did I just do, I broke my kids fingers, why the hell would he do that, Evan you’re a fucking idiot!” but all at once in an instant. 

I opened the car door, releasing his fingers, which made him instinctively grab onto his hands and cry “owie” in long gasping moans through tears.  I threw the stuff down and shuttled him to the bathroom to run it under cold water with some ice as I assessed the damage. 

Another side note:  I don’t trust doctors, so I do everything in my power to avoid going to the emergency room.  I bent his swollen fingers to see if they were broken, which prompted more screaming, so I looked at my wife and reluctantly agreed to go to the doctor and make sure his fingers weren’t broken. 

The whole way to the emergency room my kid was asking, through tears and moans, “why didn’t you look daddy?” which leads me to say, kids can be real assholes sometimes.  We got to the hospital, and my wife was kind enough to give me a second outside to compose myself, since I was infuriated and filled with shame.  Afterwards I get inside and my kid is somehow fine, no tears, just rationally explaining to the doctor that his father slammed the door on his fingers, and how he told me not to, like he was an undercover cop, busting neglectful parents to CPS. 

Owie

Was everything ok?  Yeah, no broken fingers, and apparently wasn’t as bad after the distraction of learning about x-rays.  The doctor and nurse made light of everything and let me know about all the times they messed up as parents. 

So Parents and soon to be Parents, let these stories sink in, shit happens.  Sometimes things suck and you make a mess of it, but that’s what happens in life.  Bask in your shittiness just long enough to learn from it, and get better for your kid, cause ultimately that’s the kind of human you want to raise.  All you can ask for is a kid that is honest with themselves, understands that mistakes happen, and uses the opportunity to learn, because we see the contrary, and how bad that can be. 

A Walk in Paradise

I recently got to go on a trip to the island of Kauai, where I was also fortunate enough to be able to trek down the Kalalau Trail for what turned into an all day affair.  There’s nothing like a solo hike to clear the mind and get the soul pointed in the right direction.  Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve got my second kid on the way, or maybe it’s cause I’ve had a few challenges on my first solo trip with my first born, but I needed a hard time to think some things over.  My grandfather said he would babysit, so I grabbed my pack and hopped on a shuttle to the trailhead. 

It really is a place of privilege that I get to write this in.  I packed a lunch, some water, and a few items for any adventures I found myself in, but overall a very light and easy pack for what I though was going to be a simple walk in the woods.  This is the thing I love about the Hawaiian Islands, you see, unlike the rest of the continental US, these islands are young, and born out of violence, so they aren’t too keen to follow your rules.  Either way, unless I had a long fall, I was coming home to comfort, with no fear or hunger waiting for me at home.  

The width of the trail didn’t vary much more than this, especially when there was a steep drop on one side of the trail

The Islands are like teenagers, bunched together, feeling out who the hell they really are.  They take you in only long enough to find out whether they want to fight or fuck you, and it’s not always going to be pleasurable.  Lava rocks, with their jagged edges and irregular shapes jutted along very narrow trails that seemed to barely be scrapped out of the mountainside, overlooked shear cliffs to rocky waters.  The trail had it’s way of sliding out from under you often enough to punish you for not stopping to take a look around.   

The path spits out to random spots of beauty along the cliffs overlooking the scenic mountainside.  You can barely make out the rest of the trail in the distance as it wraps around the spurs and draws that etch out the giants watching you on your walk.  Look up too long while you’re walking and you’ll find the bottom faster than you’d like.  The first spot to catch your breath is the Hanakapi’ai Beach, where the Hanakapi’ai stream connects the top of the mountains to the ocean below with a scenic and beautiful rocky river. 

I crossed the stream to another series of views that make you feel impossibly small and unimportant, continuing the 6 mile journey out to Hanakoa falls.  All day I heard helicopters passing overhead, taking rich people on a tour of the same mountain I was walking.  I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them.  The rich buy their experiences, they feel instant gratification and false enlightenment as others do all the work for them.  It’s the masturbation of spiritual enlightenment.  This ride was just a story that some fat cat gets to tell to his uninterested workers when he gets back from his vacation.  Meanwhile I’m trying to ration my water and wondering if my small amount will get me through this much longer and more demanding hike than I expected.  They were up there stroking off to god’s eye view while I tried not to fall to my death on unexpectedly wet rocks. 

You don’t see these in that helicopter

One of the safer spots

I reached my halfway mark at the falls, where I finally sat down and stared at the way the water fell into pools formed by rocks bigger than me.  I drank my water violently, gulping it down to get rid of the muscle cramps that were starting to set in.  Normally a twelve-mile hike is not a life changing event for me, but this one, with it’s variable elevation, fall away trails, and steep zig zags took a hell of a toll on me already.  I ate my lunch while watching a pale girl perform first aid on her feet, her pack was way to big, and she looked wholly unprepared.  Some of you will think it stupid to walk into this situation unprepared but I find a sort of beauty in it sometimes.  You’ve gotta take your life in your hands every once in a while, to figure out if it’s worth living.  I think that’s something that helps me get over my petty fears, cause feeling my heart pounding, and seeing the looks on peoples face as I recount these stories always lets me know it is. 

I let my feet rest in a pool of water as I watched some prawns fight over a piece of cheese that feel off my sandwich; it was about time to get up and head back.  I lit my cigar and started to dry my feet, killing off the rest of the water in my pack, telling myself that I’d drink from a stream if I got desperate.  I figured I could deal with a stomach bug after I got of the trail, but a muscle cramp in the wrong part of the trail and I’m going to fall really far.  As I started back I had a sudden calm, a moment where I both had a fear and the answer to that fear all at once.

I grew up a scared, babied child, what was I doing having another child?  Who was I to think I could be that kind of father?  Hell, who was I walking this nasty trail all alone and unprepared?  I’m not the person I was as a child, or as a young adult, and I’m not sure what happened to me as I developed, but the man that looked into his reflection in those pools of water shouldn’t be here.  Either way, when I think about my son, I would do anything for him.  I’ve learned how much I could really love something after my son was born, and I thought about that as I climbed up and down those cliffs. 

Now, as I wait for my second child to be born, boy, girl, doesn’t matter, I’m going to love them the same way.  Cause the guy looking into the pools of water, walking along cliffs, just to see a waterfall, or jumping out of planes, carrying 120 lbs of crap in some swamp, that guy can do anything.  I’m not sure if I turned into that guy, or if he just hot-wires my brain to do crazy shit every once in a while, but that’s where I am now.  The feeling of confidence washed over me even as I busted my ass, even as my hamstrings locked up on me.

I made it back to the Hanakapi’ai stream, overlooking the beach, and two miles away from my ride home.  My body was hurting from the dehydration as I searched for the clearest stream of rushing water.  I sat down and opened my bottle of water, filling it with the water.  I physically chuckled and told myself “bottoms up” before chugging the water back and filling it up again.  The small amount of people sitting around stared at me like I was some kind of animal.  Like an unsophisticated savage I drank the stream in and I felt the same way for those people as I did the rich ones in their helicopter. 

You decide who the hell you are, live a life that’s full of real experiences, take a chance, and don’t fear your inadequacies.  Cause if you’re worth a shit you’ll figure it out and hopefully be full of good stories for the ones around you. 

Heroes of the home front

We always hear about those glorious warriors of the front line. Those sticking it to the enemy, making the real sacrifices, and bleeding for the home team. They are the few among us that continue to hold on to our liberties by the collar with a bloody grasp. This article isn’t about those people, this is about the people they appreciate when they come back home. These are the heroes of garrison life, those that make our shitty days just a little bit nicer. Today we salute you, thanks for making the day that much more bearable.

The Gut Truck Guy

For those of you unfamiliar with range operations in the Army, there is a lone warrior that troops every range, ensuring that Soldiers are fully stocked with vice and rice. This angel miraculously appears on your range at the crack of noon, regardless of conditions. This presence almost guarantees that the range will cease fire to pay tribute to this lone crusader.

GUT TRUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!

The Gut truck comes standard with Coffee, both cold and heated snacks, tobacco, and energy drinks. This supply of niceties ensures joy whether it’s hot as hell, or cold as shit. Don’t get it twisted, this doesn’t mean that the gut truck guy serves you with a smile and a wink, matter of fact it’s quite the opposite it’s often a morbidly obese man chain smoking cigarettes reeking of body oder. But his presence is always welcome, and the truck is always stocked, so thank you gut truck guy, you’re a god damn hero.

The Omelette guy

The typical Army Dining Facility, or DFAC (DEE-faq), can be run by either Army cooks, or contractors. The food is about as good as your typical high school cafeteria, but there is one meal that is king, for this meal calls upon our hero, the Good Omelette Guy. He’s set apart from his peers serving square eggs and undercooked bacon, manning the flat top grill with spatula and ladle in hand. Breakfast is the only meal that Soldiers look forward to, and this hero stands alone as the gate keeper to morning motivation.

The Omelette guy is typically supported by a prep guy, that puts together the various ingredients, requested by the patrons, and preps the raw eggs. The prep guy gets an honorable mention, but the accolades go to the Good Omelette Guy. This guy expertly sprays the grill, slaps down the ingredients and moves between four to six orders at a time, taking care not to burn your cherished treat. The best, of the best, will beautifully fold their creations with hot centers making the damn thing look like an egg burrito.

Real Eggs, Real Motivation

Once received, you move on to the lesser cooks, where you can scoff at the square powdered eggs, receiving your floppy bacon and runny grits. If you power through these losers fast enough, you’ll be able to top your omelette with shredded cheese and really kick off the morning with some zip. Cookie, you’re the shit, thank you for the culinary prowess.

The Barber

Ah yes, the regulatory hair cut, no chore more annoying than the need to regularly pay $15.00 dollars for a high and nerdy. Between the lines, the price, and the outcome, this semi weekly task can be high on the frustration index, but there is one person or specific shop, that can turn that frown upside down.

This Barber, or Barber Shop as a whole if you’re really lucky, gives the tightest of fades, evenly cuts the top, and even shaves the back of your neck. Overseas you might even get a massage or a straight razor edge all over, ensuring the crispest of styles, making you the prettiest damn GI in your outfit. Couple these skills with some good bull shit and you got yourself a chore that’s more of a smoke break than a heart break. Thanks Barber Bob, your attention to detail and human connection breaks the dull glow of hate that permeates most of my day.

The Family

There is no job in the Army as hard as life as a Military family member. If there was ever a stoic leader staring down a dangerous situation, it’s because someone was there for them to unload all their fear and doubt away from the prying eyes of the Soldiers they lead. The sacrifices that Soldiers make can weigh heavy on the soul, but the family member shares that burden, with a fraction of the credit. Whether it be a wife, husband, or child, the family shares the stress, the highs, and the lows. The hardest thing you can do, on that first deployment, is look your spouse in the eyes and say goodbye for the last time before leaving.

Sometimes this guy works overtime

I know most of my articles are dick and fart jokes, coupled with the occasional rant and movie review, but this is the real thank you. From all the dirty, loud, vulgar, and unsophisticated few loving life in the service, here’s a thank you to all the family members out there, putting up with us and this crazy lifestyle.

Makes the kicks in the nuts a little easier to stomach

One More Thank You…

Unfortunately there are those of us without a family to love us, sometimes that family is the fellow Soldiers we serve with. While deployed, this isn’t an issue at all, there’s a support system, there’s people that care about you, and people to hear you bitch, but going back home takes that all away. Soldiers come home to an empty room, and usually go on leave almost immediately upon return, only further isolating them. Suicide is a real problem, and the over medication of our troops is another.

Kills more Soldiers than the bad guys.

I don’t know what to say or how to fix this, but I can tell you one lady that tried her damndest to do her part. Elizabeth Laird was the infamous “Hug Lady” from Fort Hood. She hugged each and every Soldier that deployed out of Ft Hood until she died in 2015 at the age of 83. She hugged me before I left, and she hugged a dear friend five separate times, most of them being times when I couldn’t be there for him.

I thanked you before, but this one comes from every one of the Soldiers you hugged on the way out of Gray Army Airfield. Thank you Mrs. Laird, I know you’re standing by, wherever it is we redeploy to, on the other side of things, to make sure we get a warm welcome.

An Open Letter to Elon Musk: Advertising Opportunities for Tesla

Mr. Musk,

First and foremost, thank you for taking the time to read this letter. My site is modest, and I’m honored to have an audience with you. The purpose of this open letter is to illustrate some unique opportunities in advertising for your remarkable automobile. There are a few unique factors that contribute to this highly controversial, but potentially lucrative, advertising method and I ask that you take it into serious consideration. Mr. Musk, my proposal is that you use videos, Social Media, and mere presence marketing on some of the sites with highest online traffic around; streaming porn sites.

It’s about to stream so hard right now

As goes porn so goes technology

It would be ridiculous to ignore the monumental influence that porn has had on the tech industry. Porn has been around since the days of cave paintings, it speaks to the primitive part of our brains, and has used that conduit to motivate the more sophisticated sides of our consciousness. Much like alcohol dampens our inhibitions, porn dampens our ability to think rationally. Advertisers have been using sex, in the form of erotic pictures, to tap into our subconscious for years, it’s a hell of an efficient practice.

be kind, and rewind kids

Mr. Musk, embrace the sexually charged atmosphere of the motor vehicles of old with your new take on transportation. The sleek body, the luxurious style, and of course that wonderful auto drive feature scream out to the deviants in all of us. Waves have already been made with a pornographic video featuring this feature, why not expand on the line? Use mere marketing, and sprinkle those features in various genre of porn to tap into a global audience. You don’t even have to really advertise, just give a couple of your old models to some low budget, popular porn producers like brazzers, fake taxi, or reality kings.

Hitting the hierarchy of human motivation

As an advanced and brilliant engineer, you know the complexities of the machines you make, and the simplicities of human motivation. Luckily for you, using porn as a medium for your advertising campaign, you can hit every level of the hierarchy of human motivation.

Bet this got your attention

Porn’s got it all. Physiological, first and foremost. Safety, what cradles the fragile male ego more than porn? Social, I see people mashing ugly bits, check. Esteem, as fake as it is, porn gives it’s viewers a sense of belonging and attention. Self actualization, you can say that porn definitely makes people do things. Suffice to say, we’ve checked all the boxes, giving porn the title of undisputed heavy weight champ of human brain hacks.

You’ve already thrown down some hints Elon.
(thanks https://www.electricon.it/)

Last, but definitely not least is humor. Although it’s not officially in the hierarchy of motivation, humor serves as a universal concept that brings all walks of life together… who doesn’t like a good laugh? Of all the things going for it Tesla cars have a certain charm in the humor that they bring a stuffy industry like the automotive industry does, especially when you couple that with sexual misadventures.

C’mon Elon, break the confines of this boring ass advertising box everyone uses, and take a chance like you did on Rogan, cause we all love you for that. You have shaken the world of tech to its core, now shake off those moral shackles and do something different with advertising… advertise your safety features on some porn man.

Saving us from ourselves

You’ve gotta do this Elon, we’re all counting on you to make this Tesla thing a success. Nobody wants this thing to fail, so you’ve gotta get some mass appeal, if not I’m pretty sure humanity is doomed. Your innovation and ingenuity are one of the few things that can change the terminal glide path that society is riding all the way into a hot death.

Who put all these damn trees in the way right?
thanks © John Novis for @EverydayClimateChange

So come on, live a little. Get that auto pilot up and running, maybe add adjustable blackout tinting, and fully reclining seats to the mix to really get things popping. Let’s get some mirrors on the ceiling, and maybe some mood lighting to set things in motion. Hopefully with some of these modifications, and our creative advertising techniques, more potential buyers will saddle up to the idea. Don’t do it for me Mr. Musk, do it for the betterment of man kind.

Sincerely,

The friendly folks of Caffeinated Face-Punch

A slippery slope: A look into the modern U.S. Military

The US Military has become a bastion of the Americana, despite the fact that less than 1% of the American population is in service.  Everything from glorification in movies, holidays, and tv shows have become a cornerstone in American culture.  This isn’t necessarily a good thing; this fascination has spawned some issues, and in keeping with the tradition of this site, I’ve written those issues into a list. 

1. It’s time to ditch the executive branch

Regardless of your political stance, there’s been a lot of talk about presidents overstepping their politically appointed powers.  FDR was criticized for his goal of ditching isolationism and getting involved in international affairs, especially a little conflict we like to abbreviate as WW II.  Congress passed a resolution to try to limit the power of the president to deploy troops, known as the War Powers Resolution but that only matters if you want to declare war. 

The wheelchair was really to assist him with his gigantic set of stones

The easiest way to get around this is to simply redefine what the president is doing with the troops, call it a conflict or intervention.  You’ve seen this in such conflicts as Vietnam (Kenedy/Johnson), Grenada (Reagan), Kosovo (Clinton), and Syria (Obama).  Bottom line, there aren’t any real checks and balances here, and although the president is an elected official, it’s one person that wields the greatest military power the world has seen, and I’m not sure this is a good thing. 

War? No, this is just a police action, what are you talking about?

So we’ve put all our nuclear eggs into one basket essentially.  Historically, this centralized power and authority, unchecked, has led to a steady decent into autocracy.  Don’t take my word for it, look at Soviet Russia, Nazi Germany, Communist China/Vietnam/Cuba, hell even present-day Russia where Putin is skirting the line of being a modern-day Stalin.

My point, put the military under congress, which already controls procurement, funding, and holds the authority to officially declare war.  George Washington might have resisted the allure of absolute power in the country’s infancy, but we’re seeing rapid, and progressive, power grabs from our modern presidents, that is surprisingly not alarming the public as much as I think it should.   

2. You should stop feeling sorry for us

One of the most frustrating things to go through as a veteran or active duty service member is to watch politicians, businesses, and people gloat about doing things for the troops while knowing just how little they give a shit about you.  You see this a lot around the political spectrum, arguably more so by the right, but often times whether someone is pro or anti war, they’ll spout out shit about care for the troops, often times while justifying the new ungodly budget for defense spending.  This leads me to say, we’re not the charity case you brag to your friends about, we’re your crazy relatives that are a little fucked up in the head. 

This’ll help right?

The resentment builds when you see generations of politicians, with no skin in the game, spouting off about how our “heroes” are out on the front lines defending freedom.  The truth is, most politicians, and defense industry folks, actively profit on those same heroes getting put in harm’s way as a way to increase and justify spending.  We’ll “thank” the troops, wave a flag, and thank people for their service, but then turn around and cut medical care for those same people, or unemployment benefits for veterans that are permanently disabled from combat related injuries. 

Bottom line is, we’re not your dollar a day charity for starving kids, these problems have been manufactured by the same people that put us in harms way through hazy justification, so stop feeling sorry for us and do something about it.  Demand transparency, don’t just blindly accept the war hawkish “merica” mentality that demands a strong military response to everything, unless you’re willing to accept the repercussions.  Buying me a cup of coffee every now and again is not the way to take care of me, go out and demand that these politicians have some kind of plan before sending us into another country to topple a government.    

3. We’re taking sponsors, and that’s a problem

Speaking of money, we’ve become one hell of a money hungry organization, and everybody knows it.  Caring for troops is synonymous with large purchases and new equipment.  The Bureaucracy and politicization of the military industrial complex has caused this mass spending to ultimately be for nothing.  An illustration of this boat load of cash with nothing to show is the F-22.  The Air Force spent $334 million dollars in research and production only to stop said production in 2010 for the F-35, keep in mind, this aircraft had it’s first flight in 1997, that’s a service life of 13 years if you count that first flight. 

Yes kids, this is now outdated.

There is a stark contrast between old military spending and new military spending.  The M2 .50 caliber machine gun has been in service since 1933, almost completely unchanged, hell I have pictures of me firing this beast, it’s a god damn monster that continues to serve like the loyal god of war it is.  The B-52 has been in service since 1955, and continues to serve today.  So what the hell has happened?

Hail to the king baby.

Corporations and contractors have capitalized on our government spending and restrictive rules.  The military is bound by congressional spending and allocation, which has politicized our leadership in service to the dirty hands holding the purse strings.  The priority nowadays isn’t really caring for the Soldier, Sailor, Marine, or Airman, it’s solidifying a plant a district manufacturing hardware for the government and jobs for the constituents. 

So the next time you hear about a new Air Force toy, a new vehicle, a new uniform, reflect on the talking head spouting out bits and buzzwords and really think about it.  Same thing goes for those politicians waving flags, thanking the “boys and girls in uniform” what service have they done aside from holding political office? 

Is this shit necessary?

Cause if we never question, we’ll never get out of the shitty spot we’ve found ourselves in. 

Institutionalized

I promise this article gets less depressing.

Memorial day, a day of remembrance and mourning, to appreciate the hard life and sad demise of many of our brothers and sisters in arms. While I appreciate the sacrifices that many Americans, and to be honest, many immigrants, slaves, and under appreciated masses have paid, I also take this day to reflect on my chosen profession and the military at large. For while we do recognize the heroes, the warriors, and the people that have served, or given their lives, this is as good of a time as any to point out the inadequacies of some parts of the military. Today, I’d like to thank those who fell before me, but also give a glimpse into how the system mirrors any other institution that this country hosts, but mainly…. prison.

Until post Vietnam war, this country enjoyed a fine tradition of conscript armies. Yes, even the brave souls who stormed to beach on D-Day were drafted. Granted, there was no shortage of oversized balls (and ovaries in support throughout the war), but many of them were there because they were pressed into service. This fine history of people forced and coerced into service has given our service a bad habit of treating our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines like the common prisoners. We’re not going to change that today, but I have put together a nice list of similarities between us. Because while the sacrifices that individuals have made in the system, it doesn’t pardon the process that they endured on the way.

These guys relied on their gigantic balls as flotation devices as they stormed a contested beach in support of OPERATION OVERLORD.

Stories as Currency

Stick people in a room together for long enough and they’re eventually going to start talking to each other. We’re humans, we rely on our social circles and ability to communicate. No matter how many applicable subjects you have to your situation, the overwhelming trend is to start, as we say, Bullshitting, because there is only so much sleeping and discrete masturbation one can do.

And then I was like “stop trying to make fetch happen….”

Basic training, follow on schools, Ranger School, deployments, training, it doesn’t matter, you need to blow off some steam, and what better way than to say some outlandish tails of gallantry in the face of a bar fight, or a beautiful woman you talked into giving you her number. In prison, the same applies, cause who doesn’t like some good bull, or a good joke? Hell even complaining beats the hell out of staring at each other in boredom. We look forward to getting back home, enjoying the things we used to enjoy, being with the ones we love. We carry totems and symbols of the life we left for this one, willing or against our will. I myself have a laminated hand print from my son, and on the back, a picture of my wife, it makes me forget about the bullshit, and start bullshitting.

get a load of this bullshit

The longer the stay, the more extreme the stories, the more self honesty you convey, the more you stretch for the absurd. Your ability to make people laugh becomes your calling card, it’s how people know you, cause humor is universal, nobody likes a stick in the mud.

Counting the Days

A wise man once told me, “Do the time Evan, don’t let the time do you.” He learned this wisdom from his time in county jail, and I continue to spread the gospel to those I serve with today. My interpretation of this nugget is to accept a little thing I like to call, the cycle of fucks.

Notice the inverse relationship between your attitude and stress levels, as well as the steady exhaustion of fucks to give.

You see, when you first arrive in a deployment, training rotation, or start your sentence, your stress level is high, you’re weary, strung out, and trying to find scraps of normalcy in an otherwise bizarre world. I likened Iraq to something out of a sci-fi novel, hell we even called the fine crushed sand moon dust. As you continue through your sentence, training, or rotation, you find your rhythm, you make friends, you make enemies, and you have some semblance of normalcy, glued together by the ridiculous experiences in the gaps. The little frustrations don’t bother you as much, because you’ve accepted your station during this fart in your life. Then you hit a point of which all of that becomes an exercise in futility, and it feels like your box, your truck, your bunk, is all a prison. You’re back to a stage where you’re stressed, strung out, and angry all the time, mainly in anticipation of going home.

That’s beautiful private…. now paint those rocks and trim the grass.

Doing the time prolongs the zen like focus you have before going off the deep end. It’s a kind of enlightenment after your preliminary liminal experience. It’s where you can appreciate a good shit, or a funny joke, without bitching about how much longer you’ve got till you get to drink a real cup of coffee, or just sit in the sun showing off your freedom.

Masturbation

It doesn’t matter how proper or pious you are, you’ll be jacking off discreetly and bragging about the ability to do so. It’s an unwritten rule in most institutions, if you see the opportunity, treat yourself, cause you never know when you’ll get the chance again. Sometimes this is a strategic decision, you’ve found a comfy bathroom, or location where you can eek out about three minutes to poach the egg. Sometimes, this is tactical, the roommate or cellie (cell-E) is preoccupied, you’ve spotted an opportunity and it’s time to scratch Yoda behind the ears.

cough, cough, cough

If this offends you, or makes you feel uneasy, chances are you’ve never been a cog in an uncaring machine. You’ve probably always had access to a vice, or at least some form of release, whether that was a long walk, a bong hit, or a beer, you got to unload your problems on something. So don’t judge, cause that remains one of the only vices we’re allowed. No booze, limited smokes, and few glimpses of the opposite sex becomes your road down your happy highway.

Dude…. I totally walked in on her in her underwear, I almost saw full on ankle

So while on the outside or back home, you might brag about how epic a night you had, and how much you had to drink, in this arena, it’s a crooked smile followed by something along the lines of “my roommate had to leave early, so I finally got to burp the worm in peace”

Sophomoric Humor

I don’t care how mature you think you are, on a long enough timeline, you will fart for laughter. If you filled a room with generals, inmates, or privates, the outcome will eventually be dick and fart jokes. This isn’t the only thing that ruminates from long discussions amongst professionals (criminal or otherwise), but it is a normal byproduct of stress, or intense thought. Eventually you have to unwind and enjoy dumb shit. Life isn’t just about filet mignon, every so often you have to enjoy a shitty burger.

with buts though

Another standard for institutionalization is the ability to mess with people. This can be direct, in the form of shit talking, or indirect in the form of pranks. A note on this behavior, it can be done as a form of endearment, or hate. We assign nicknames and catchphrases regardless of your location on the spectrum, and we’ll play jokes on you to either entertain ourselves, or the masses, what the hell else are we going to do with our time? How else could we show off our creativity. Hell, it usually makes for a good story.

This is what happens when you leave your CVC unattended as a new LT.

Unique Language

Verbal language is uniquely human, unique experience garnishes unique language. Sure dolphins, whales, and whatnot can communicate in complex modes, I’d argue that humans are the heavy weight champs of complex communication. Part of that communication is the language we use, which serves a lot of different purposes.

First and foremost, the language you use on the inside, so to speak, communicates a lot about who you are and the circumstances that brought you there. In the Army, the way you talk will probably tip me off to your rank, the types of assignments you’ve had, where you’re from, and what you value. It also preps me for the trash talk, ego stroking, or complaints that will eventually occur.

example: this will piss off every infantryman I know

Furthermore, this language communicates that you’re either one of us or an outsider, a fucking new guy (FNG), or a narc. In Ukraine, the Soldiers spoke Russian to you until they knew you weren’t a spy and they trusted you, for which they rewarded you with speaking in their native Ukrainian dialect. In Prison, guards and inmates alike, have their own language, speak their own codes, and communicate in a way that would be foreign to even your closest family members.

example: that piece of steel is called the bitch plate

I’m thankful for those who came before me and gave their lives in service to others, and in that respect, I challenge everyone to honor them in the way they treat the service members and the less fortunate today. Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines aren’t indentured servants, criminals, or scum, the same way most prisoners aren’t (although there are exceptions). Let’s honor those who paid the price before us by finding ways to develop, trust, and confidence in those who we typically spit on. I don’t want a “thank you for your service” or your commemoration on a certain day, I want better opportunities for my Soldiers, and a better transition for those who found themselves on the wrong side of the law, cause I like to think they died for the best of humanity, not to perpetuate the worst of it.

The Dangers of Micromanagement

     We’ve all been there before, your supervisor breathing coffee breath over your shoulder as you click and type away at a computer.  Or perhaps your building something, digging a hole, shooting targets, whatever it is, we’ve all had that one supervisor that has made a simple task more difficult by pouring anxiety and frustration into your personal space. 

If you look right here Ted, you’ll notice the reflection of your face on my screen.

     Kids, this is an example of micromanagement, it’s where the manager closely supervises or controls the work of their employees.  This can be found in your local grocery isle where the manager is insisting on the best way to stack apples, or perhaps in the military where you have an overgrown teenager telling you the best way to assemble things on a power point slide as you work on a Sunday.  If you’ve never seen this in action, beware, it might be you. 

Holy dog shit! Is that Calibri!? The standard font is Arial!

Here are some of the problems with this behavior.

Micromanagement destroys trust

     Nothing tells your employees that you don’t trust them like telling them exactly how to do their job.  Not only do you erode trust, but you are subtly telling your employees that you think they are unintelligent, and couldn’t figure it out without you.  Not to get all touchy and feely here, but this leads to feelings of uselessness, frustration, anxiety, and resentment.  To further illustrate the problem here, you’ve just let the team know that when there is a problem, you are the one they should go to in order to solve it. 

Bob’s a real prick am I right?

     In essence, micromanagement becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You don’t trust your team to do it, so you hover over them until they do it “right”, which sets off a chain reaction of other things they have to wait for your consent to do. 

     Instead try this:  explain processes, give examples, or simply communicate what you want the finished product to look like.  Bob in the grocery store can simply say “Stack the apples, make sure it looks neat and well organized”.  The ape yelling at the screen about the direction my mouse goes, could have simply said “these are the things that are wrong, fix them and bring it back”.  Bottom line, treat people like people, they have the capacity to learn and adjust. 

Micromanagement fails to develop an environment of teamwork

     You can tell the quality of your team by the complexity of questions they ask you.  Typically, if your team is brining you simple problems they could fix on their own, you’ve either failed to give them enough maneuver space, or you’ve somehow communicated that their initiative is not welcome.  Either way, they aren’t an effective team, because of their lack of teamwork.  If they can’t clearly define their roles and responsibilities, understand the bigger picture, or take over when you’re not around, you’ve got issues friend. 

How the hell do you use this thing again?

     Micromanagers tend to dominate the jobs of all their subordinates, hording information, directly synchronizing different parts of the operation, and limiting input to specific data that they can sense.  At this point the team functions only as efficiently as your ability to control them. 

     Instead try this:  Communicate the big picture, the goal, and how your team fits in.  Describe the goal so that everyone can understand it.  This next one could be a problem for the risk averse, give your team guidance and let them take initiative to accomplish your goal.  You don’t have to make the whole plan, you just have to shape it, let your team build it.  That last one is to give them “buy in” or the feeling that the plan is the team’s plan, not just yours. 

Micromanagement destroys relationships

     A couple of relationships that micromanagement inculcates are either everyone teaming up against you, or, in some cases, everyone just does enough to keep you away.  In either scenario, you’ve lost the loyalty of your team.  Amongst the team, resentment could build due to perceived favoritism, or a sense of injustice.  Micromanagement, ironically, causes a divide between you and your team.  Nobody is going to want to bring you a personal problem, or report bad news about work, if you’re just going to hover over them to find a solution. 

Quick, he’s coming!

     Most often when faced with bad news, a micromanaged team will send a sacrificial team mate, or just cover up the information and hope you don’t find out.  You can probably figure out why this is a problem, you’ve essentially found the me in team.

     Instead try this:  Get to know and develop relationships throughout your team.  We’re human, and that goes a long way.  Don’t call when you can just walk over and talk.  Find reasons to interact on a personal level, even if it’s just to talk about last night’s game, or how the weekend went.  Here’s the trick though, for you sociopaths, you have to care just a tiny bit about what they say.  Don’t sit there thinking about how to escape the conversation, or dominate it, just enjoy the few minutes of social interaction, and let your team know you’re not a complete ass. 

So based on all this information… why do people micromanage? 

     Simple, it works.  Micromanagement is only a problem after you leave, so if you’re enough of a workaholic, or if you don’t really care about the organization or the team, there’s not a problem.  Micromanagement eliminates unforeseen risk, and ensures that the job gets done to your ridged standards.  These are some of the benefits that managers will weigh in on, citing the need for quality control, deadlines, poor employee standards, or simply that they have a direct management style. 

   The biggest risk you take with micromanagement is sacrificing your team for yourself.  In other words it’s a very self-centered practice.  You also lose the ability to quickly adapt to change, situational awareness, innovative thought, and synergy.  By stepping in and telling everyone exactly how to do things, you lose the ability to guide and mentor as well, so nobody benefits but yourself.  If you are one of those sociopathic workaholics, put it this way, the company has been made worse because you focus on the small daily problems and lacked the ability to grow a team of managers and improve the culture of the organization.  This will eventually effect your potential for promotion, so you should care you narcissistic ass.   

    So next time you find yourself getting all hot and bothered at your team because they aren’t getting it right, and you just have to do it yourself, step back and reflect.  Are you really helping them, or are you the problem?

Time to slim up

Well, what can I say… Christmas, New Years, and Spring Break has taken their toll on my waistline.  I’ve been pretty undisciplined with food, and the bitter cold has zapped my motivation to work out.  But that’s not a big deal, we’re gonna get it back together, and I’m gonna bring you along on my journey.

Seems like most people are either trying to buy a way into health, or sell you a path to it these days, so I’m going to bring you along on my voyage to show you how to do it without selling your soul, or paying someone for fake news.

First Stop: Goals.  Here’s how I break mine out.  I’m giving myself till April 25th to achieve the following goals.

Weight:  While weight isn’t as important as body composition, I’ve used body weight and definition of my abdominal muscles as a rule of thumb for my level of fitness.  Most of the time I balloon up beyond 185 lbs I’ve done some bad things, and if I dip down below 170 lbs, I’m probably taking some drastic measures.

Current weight: 198 lbs (my God)

Goal weight: between 180 and 185

Strength:  My favorite measures of strength are my max deadlift, max pull-ups, and max push-ups (2 minutes).  If strength isn’t your thing, or if you have different types of goals, it’s totally fine, the important thing is you define what you think is success, and then reassess your goals as you progress.  I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t been to the gym in a while, and I have no clue where I stand with these exercises, but the last time I was in good shape I could do the following, so thats what I’m sticking with.  This is my run down on what functional strength is and what it looks like.

Dead lift goal: 320 lbs 2 reps.  Being able to pick up a lot of weight with your hands/core/legs.  Necessary if picking up or hauling things short distances or heights.

via: https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/strength-training-101-the-deadlift/

Pull ups: Over 18.  Ability to pull with the lats as well as grip strength after deadlifts to test ability to pull weight.  Necessary for military stuff like picking up a casualty out of a vehicle, or supply.

via: https://www.climbing.com/skills/training-perfect-pullups-for-climbing-strength/

Not this… this is dumb, do not do these

via: http://www.crossfitwaxahachie.com/2011/11/the-kipping-pull-up/

Push ups: 88 in two minutes.  Ability to push weight with your chest and shoulders as well as maintaining a rigid core.  More of an endurance check, and a way to balance out the large amount of pulling that we do in the military and life.

via:  https://www.popsugar.com/fitness/How-Do-Triceps-Push-Ups-42689503

Speed:  2 miles sub 14:00 minutes at least 13:45, 5 miles sub 40:00.  Gotta get where you’re going, or get away from somewhere quick.  As humans we should be able to propel ourselves pretty quickly over some distance.  I like using ranger school standards cause it’s pretty popular throughout the Army, and it keeps me honest.

Endurance:  Aside from the 5 miles sub 40:00, weighted lunges, 5×5 at 135 lbs.  Necessary for long patrolling, and hauling weight over long distances.  The ability to take a knee is a lot harder than it sounds after a few miles and an oppressive ruck sack, or IOTV.

via:  https://bodybuilding-wizard.com/barbell-lunge/

I’ll measure these in my own physical fitness test that I’ll take every 2 weeks on a Sunday and log my scores.

Next Stop:  The Pantry and the Fridge.  You can’t out sweat a bad diet, you might get lucky for a little while, but it’s definitely not something sustainable, hell, even body builders have an off season.

Open up that pantry and that fridge, and bask in all that disgusting food.  Now, throw out everything in there that has a shelf life of more than one week.  If it didn’t die or get picked to get put into your fridge, freezer or pantry, get rid of it.  Say goodbye to bread, pasta, crackers, cereal, candy, sugar, flour, juices, jams, margarine, ice cream, yogurt (unless it’s the bitter as hell kind with 0 sugar), chocolate, condiments, and sauces.  Oh yeah… goodbye booze.

I have a vendetta for processed foods, in my years of self experiment, and research, I’ve determined that the more humans process a food, the worse it is for you.  I’m not original in that thought at all, I can’t take credit for it, but it’s what has worked the best for me after about 15 years of a stabilized weight.  Here’s a few myths to put to bed by the way.

I’ll do a juice cleanse to lose some weight…

Lets do some quick math to compare the benefits of your juice cleanse idea, and just eating some fruit.

To note: Difference in Carbs, sugar, and fiber.  By stripping that fiber you get to make room for or carbohydrates, most in the form of sugar.  Bottom line… fruit, especially it’s juice, is a dessert, it is something to have sparingly at the end of a meal.  So telling me you’re going to drink nothing but juice or eat nothing but fruit is almost the same as saying you’re going to eat nothing but maple syrup.

But I buy organic sugar…

News flash, there’s no such thing.  All sugar comes from distilled and processed sugar cane, stop fooling yourself.  Additionally, saying a calorie is a calorie is like saying a gallon is a gallon as you fill your gas tank with water.  Cut out those processed sugars and stick to getting your sweets from a piece of fruit.

I’ve gotta eat multiple times a day….

There’s so much info out on intermittent fasting that I’m surprised this myth isn’t dead yet.  I mean people will misquote the bible to tell me why gay people will burn in hell, but completely gloss over the part where it says that Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights and look at those abs.

Don’t worry about being a little hungry, only in a country enshrined in capitalism can somebody convince you that in order to lose weight you have to eat more.

Don’t worry, I only eat things that are fat free…

Fat isn’t the enemy, unless you’re talking about trans fats (fat that should be solid at room temperature, but through a chemical process is now a liquid).  Here’s were my diet is awesome, you can eat bacon, eggs, cheese, and butter without a care in the world.  Big juicy steak, topped with a fried egg, and a pad of butter on a bed of bacon, that’s my kinda meal.  Just don’t touch that damn dinner roll.  Don’t fret over fat, avoid sugar, and refined carbs.

Why do I have to throw this stuff out I’m wasting food!?

That stuff is fake calories, and if you think you’ve got the will power to break your diet cold turkey and not hit a relapse from your addiction to sugar, let me just show you this picture of two different brains.

Those bright vivid colors are the pleasure centers of your brain, the red is specifically the dopamine receptors firing up.  Let’s also remember that the US has an obesity epidemic and an opioid crisis, so we aren’t exactly the bastions of self control.

The truth is, fixing your diet will be the hardest thing to do.  It’s one of the hardest habits to break, especially in a society that’s as in love with food as we are.  I’m sure some people will blame me for fat shaming people soon enough, but the truth of the matter is most of those people are addicted to food, trust me I know, I’ve struggled with it in the past.  It’s not that I’m here to shame you or anybody, but to say it’s natural, or that it’s not your fault is simply not true.  We’re addicted to food (especially sugar), and we need to take personal responsibility to break ourselves of it.

Last step:  The Grocery Store

We’ve gotten rid of all our garbage food, now we’ve gotta stock up on the good stuff.  Stick to the outside of the grocery store isles focusing on the veggies, fruits, meats, and dairy.  Most of the stuff in the middle is processed.  Caned veggies are alright, frozen is better, fresh is best.  Here’s what my cart looked like today.

Kale, spinach, carrots, bell peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, apples, bananas, watermelon, grapes, eggs, salmon, tenderloin beef, ground beef (for the kid lay off me), almond milk, granola (for the kid), almond butter (my vice), coffee, cashews, and almonds.

I like to look at my plate in percentages.  60% fatty meat, 20% cooked veggies, 20% raw veggies (salad).  For dessert, I’ll have an apple with some almond butter, a banana, or some grapes.

So there you have it, that’s our first few steps in the right direction.  Now go get some rest, we’ll look at how to put together a work out schedule to hit those goals next time.