I recently got to go on a trip to the island of Kauai, where I was also fortunate enough to be able to trek down the Kalalau Trail for what turned into an all day affair. There’s nothing like a solo hike to clear the mind and get the soul pointed in the right direction. Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve got my second kid on the way, or maybe it’s cause I’ve had a few challenges on my first solo trip with my first born, but I needed a hard time to think some things over. My grandfather said he would babysit, so I grabbed my pack and hopped on a shuttle to the trailhead.
It really is a place of privilege that I get to write this in. I packed a lunch, some water, and a few items for any adventures I found myself in, but overall a very light and easy pack for what I though was going to be a simple walk in the woods. This is the thing I love about the Hawaiian Islands, you see, unlike the rest of the continental US, these islands are young, and born out of violence, so they aren’t too keen to follow your rules. Either way, unless I had a long fall, I was coming home to comfort, with no fear or hunger waiting for me at home.
The Islands are like teenagers, bunched together, feeling out who the hell they really are. They take you in only long enough to find out whether they want to fight or fuck you, and it’s not always going to be pleasurable. Lava rocks, with their jagged edges and irregular shapes jutted along very narrow trails that seemed to barely be scrapped out of the mountainside, overlooked shear cliffs to rocky waters. The trail had it’s way of sliding out from under you often enough to punish you for not stopping to take a look around.
The path spits out to random spots of beauty along the cliffs overlooking the scenic mountainside. You can barely make out the rest of the trail in the distance as it wraps around the spurs and draws that etch out the giants watching you on your walk. Look up too long while you’re walking and you’ll find the bottom faster than you’d like. The first spot to catch your breath is the Hanakapi’ai Beach, where the Hanakapi’ai stream connects the top of the mountains to the ocean below with a scenic and beautiful rocky river.
I crossed the stream to another series of views that make you feel impossibly small and unimportant, continuing the 6 mile journey out to Hanakoa falls. All day I heard helicopters passing overhead, taking rich people on a tour of the same mountain I was walking. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them. The rich buy their experiences, they feel instant gratification and false enlightenment as others do all the work for them. It’s the masturbation of spiritual enlightenment. This ride was just a story that some fat cat gets to tell to his uninterested workers when he gets back from his vacation. Meanwhile I’m trying to ration my water and wondering if my small amount will get me through this much longer and more demanding hike than I expected. They were up there stroking off to god’s eye view while I tried not to fall to my death on unexpectedly wet rocks.
I reached my halfway mark at the falls, where I finally sat down and stared at the way the water fell into pools formed by rocks bigger than me. I drank my water violently, gulping it down to get rid of the muscle cramps that were starting to set in. Normally a twelve-mile hike is not a life changing event for me, but this one, with it’s variable elevation, fall away trails, and steep zig zags took a hell of a toll on me already. I ate my lunch while watching a pale girl perform first aid on her feet, her pack was way to big, and she looked wholly unprepared. Some of you will think it stupid to walk into this situation unprepared but I find a sort of beauty in it sometimes. You’ve gotta take your life in your hands every once in a while, to figure out if it’s worth living. I think that’s something that helps me get over my petty fears, cause feeling my heart pounding, and seeing the looks on peoples face as I recount these stories always lets me know it is.
I let my feet rest in a pool of water as I watched some prawns fight over a piece of cheese that feel off my sandwich; it was about time to get up and head back. I lit my cigar and started to dry my feet, killing off the rest of the water in my pack, telling myself that I’d drink from a stream if I got desperate. I figured I could deal with a stomach bug after I got of the trail, but a muscle cramp in the wrong part of the trail and I’m going to fall really far. As I started back I had a sudden calm, a moment where I both had a fear and the answer to that fear all at once.
I grew up a scared, babied child, what was I doing having another child? Who was I to think I could be that kind of father? Hell, who was I walking this nasty trail all alone and unprepared? I’m not the person I was as a child, or as a young adult, and I’m not sure what happened to me as I developed, but the man that looked into his reflection in those pools of water shouldn’t be here. Either way, when I think about my son, I would do anything for him. I’ve learned how much I could really love something after my son was born, and I thought about that as I climbed up and down those cliffs.
Now, as I wait for my second child to be born, boy, girl, doesn’t matter, I’m going to love them the same way. Cause the guy looking into the pools of water, walking along cliffs, just to see a waterfall, or jumping out of planes, carrying 120 lbs of crap in some swamp, that guy can do anything. I’m not sure if I turned into that guy, or if he just hot-wires my brain to do crazy shit every once in a while, but that’s where I am now. The feeling of confidence washed over me even as I busted my ass, even as my hamstrings locked up on me.
I made it back to the Hanakapi’ai stream, overlooking the beach, and two miles away from my ride home. My body was hurting from the dehydration as I searched for the clearest stream of rushing water. I sat down and opened my bottle of water, filling it with the water. I physically chuckled and told myself “bottoms up” before chugging the water back and filling it up again. The small amount of people sitting around stared at me like I was some kind of animal. Like an unsophisticated savage I drank the stream in and I felt the same way for those people as I did the rich ones in their helicopter.
You decide who the hell you are, live a life that’s full of real experiences, take a chance, and don’t fear your inadequacies. Cause if you’re worth a shit you’ll figure it out and hopefully be full of good stories for the ones around you.
Caffeinated Face Punch 