We always hear about those glorious warriors of the front line. Those sticking it to the enemy, making the real sacrifices, and bleeding for the home team. They are the few among us that continue to hold on to our liberties by the collar with a bloody grasp. This article isn’t about those people, this is about the people they appreciate when they come back home. These are the heroes of garrison life, those that make our shitty days just a little bit nicer. Today we salute you, thanks for making the day that much more bearable.
The Gut Truck Guy
For those of you unfamiliar with range operations in the Army, there is a lone warrior that troops every range, ensuring that Soldiers are fully stocked with vice and rice. This angel miraculously appears on your range at the crack of noon, regardless of conditions. This presence almost guarantees that the range will cease fire to pay tribute to this lone crusader.
The Gut truck comes standard with Coffee, both cold and heated snacks, tobacco, and energy drinks. This supply of niceties ensures joy whether it’s hot as hell, or cold as shit. Don’t get it twisted, this doesn’t mean that the gut truck guy serves you with a smile and a wink, matter of fact it’s quite the opposite it’s often a morbidly obese man chain smoking cigarettes reeking of body oder. But his presence is always welcome, and the truck is always stocked, so thank you gut truck guy, you’re a god damn hero.
The Omelette guy
The typical Army Dining Facility, or DFAC (DEE-faq), can be run by either Army cooks, or contractors. The food is about as good as your typical high school cafeteria, but there is one meal that is king, for this meal calls upon our hero, the Good Omelette Guy. He’s set apart from his peers serving square eggs and undercooked bacon, manning the flat top grill with spatula and ladle in hand. Breakfast is the only meal that Soldiers look forward to, and this hero stands alone as the gate keeper to morning motivation.
The Omelette guy is typically supported by a prep guy, that puts together the various ingredients, requested by the patrons, and preps the raw eggs. The prep guy gets an honorable mention, but the accolades go to the Good Omelette Guy. This guy expertly sprays the grill, slaps down the ingredients and moves between four to six orders at a time, taking care not to burn your cherished treat. The best, of the best, will beautifully fold their creations with hot centers making the damn thing look like an egg burrito.
Once received, you move on to the lesser cooks, where you can scoff at the square powdered eggs, receiving your floppy bacon and runny grits. If you power through these losers fast enough, you’ll be able to top your omelette with shredded cheese and really kick off the morning with some zip. Cookie, you’re the shit, thank you for the culinary prowess.
The Barber
Ah yes, the regulatory hair cut, no chore more annoying than the need to regularly pay $15.00 dollars for a high and nerdy. Between the lines, the price, and the outcome, this semi weekly task can be high on the frustration index, but there is one person or specific shop, that can turn that frown upside down.
This Barber, or Barber Shop as a whole if you’re really lucky, gives the tightest of fades, evenly cuts the top, and even shaves the back of your neck. Overseas you might even get a massage or a straight razor edge all over, ensuring the crispest of styles, making you the prettiest damn GI in your outfit. Couple these skills with some good bull shit and you got yourself a chore that’s more of a smoke break than a heart break. Thanks Barber Bob, your attention to detail and human connection breaks the dull glow of hate that permeates most of my day.
The Family
There is no job in the Army as hard as life as a Military family member. If there was ever a stoic leader staring down a dangerous situation, it’s because someone was there for them to unload all their fear and doubt away from the prying eyes of the Soldiers they lead. The sacrifices that Soldiers make can weigh heavy on the soul, but the family member shares that burden, with a fraction of the credit. Whether it be a wife, husband, or child, the family shares the stress, the highs, and the lows. The hardest thing you can do, on that first deployment, is look your spouse in the eyes and say goodbye for the last time before leaving.
I know most of my articles are dick and fart jokes, coupled with the occasional rant and movie review, but this is the real thank you. From all the dirty, loud, vulgar, and unsophisticated few loving life in the service, here’s a thank you to all the family members out there, putting up with us and this crazy lifestyle.
One More Thank You…
Unfortunately there are those of us without a family to love us, sometimes that family is the fellow Soldiers we serve with. While deployed, this isn’t an issue at all, there’s a support system, there’s people that care about you, and people to hear you bitch, but going back home takes that all away. Soldiers come home to an empty room, and usually go on leave almost immediately upon return, only further isolating them. Suicide is a real problem, and the over medication of our troops is another.
I don’t know what to say or how to fix this, but I can tell you one lady that tried her damndest to do her part. Elizabeth Laird was the infamous “Hug Lady” from Fort Hood. She hugged each and every Soldier that deployed out of Ft Hood until she died in 2015 at the age of 83. She hugged me before I left, and she hugged a dear friend five separate times, most of them being times when I couldn’t be there for him.
I thanked you before, but this one comes from every one of the Soldiers you hugged on the way out of Gray Army Airfield. Thank you Mrs. Laird, I know you’re standing by, wherever it is we redeploy to, on the other side of things, to make sure we get a warm welcome.
Caffeinated Face Punch 