Deadbeat dad

Every so often I catch a whiff of cigarette smoke and find myself instantly transported to any number of spots where my father and I shared a conversation.  I’d look up as he smoked, and told me about life, and I’d be shocked at how smart and clever he was.  He seemed to turn a phrase expertly, effortlessly spinning a yarn about one subject or another.  As I grow older I learn more, and the smell of bullshit clouds my memories.  See, while the smell of smoke still reminds me of dear old dad, instead of that wild eyed bewilderment I once had, it induces more of an eye roll of contempt.

See dad was kind of a selfish prick, and while some of you out there will say not to judge, and that I’ll never understand, let me offer a rebuttal.  I have a child of my own now, and I dare say I was disappointed in him today for his actions, yet, instead of putting him down, calling him names or shaming him, I picked him up and talked through my feelings with him.  I took ownership of what I saw as his failure as my own in raising him.  We’ll work on it, and i wont show my weakness of control, by losing my temper with him.  Cause if I don’t show him, who will?

I’ll be dammed if I’m going to let another man fill that roll, I’ll be dammed if I’m going to fail him and blame him for my inadequacies.  As men and fathers we owe it to our progeny to be the men we wanted to be.  I was a scared and cowardly child, who cried at doctors visits, and when I was away from my mother, Hell i had a blankie and a pacifier till i was in grade school.  But I forced myself to grow up, late as I did, I became the man I wanted to become.  So when I see that in my kid, I don’t recoil at his weakness, I show him my new found strength and teach him to harness the same in himself.  So that he hopefully finds it younger than I did.

So this one goes out to those deadbeat dads who were never there.  Those dads that refused to drive two hours to see their kids graduate from the most grueling school the army has to offer or watch them conquer their fear of heights.  I noticed that drive wasn’t too far when you were meeting your girlfriend by the way.  For those dads that are too cowardice to pick up the phone to hear their grandson’s voice.  Cause without them I would never be man enough to look at the world and give it the middle finger.

Thanks dad