Well, what can I say… Christmas, New Years, and Spring Break has taken their toll on my waistline. I’ve been pretty undisciplined with food, and the bitter cold has zapped my motivation to work out. But that’s not a big deal, we’re gonna get it back together, and I’m gonna bring you along on my journey.
Seems like most people are either trying to buy a way into health, or sell you a path to it these days, so I’m going to bring you along on my voyage to show you how to do it without selling your soul, or paying someone for fake news.
First Stop: Goals. Here’s how I break mine out. I’m giving myself till April 25th to achieve the following goals.
Weight: While weight isn’t as important as body composition, I’ve used body weight and definition of my abdominal muscles as a rule of thumb for my level of fitness. Most of the time I balloon up beyond 185 lbs I’ve done some bad things, and if I dip down below 170 lbs, I’m probably taking some drastic measures.
Current weight: 198 lbs (my God)
Goal weight: between 180 and 185
Strength: My favorite measures of strength are my max deadlift, max pull-ups, and max push-ups (2 minutes). If strength isn’t your thing, or if you have different types of goals, it’s totally fine, the important thing is you define what you think is success, and then reassess your goals as you progress. I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t been to the gym in a while, and I have no clue where I stand with these exercises, but the last time I was in good shape I could do the following, so thats what I’m sticking with. This is my run down on what functional strength is and what it looks like.
Dead lift goal: 320 lbs 2 reps. Being able to pick up a lot of weight with your hands/core/legs. Necessary if picking up or hauling things short distances or heights.
via: https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/strength-training-101-the-deadlift/
Pull ups: Over 18. Ability to pull with the lats as well as grip strength after deadlifts to test ability to pull weight. Necessary for military stuff like picking up a casualty out of a vehicle, or supply.
via: https://www.climbing.com/skills/training-perfect-pullups-for-climbing-strength/
Not this… this is dumb, do not do these
via: http://www.crossfitwaxahachie.com/2011/11/the-kipping-pull-up/
Push ups: 88 in two minutes. Ability to push weight with your chest and shoulders as well as maintaining a rigid core. More of an endurance check, and a way to balance out the large amount of pulling that we do in the military and life.
via: https://www.popsugar.com/fitness/How-Do-Triceps-Push-Ups-42689503
Speed: 2 miles sub 14:00 minutes at least 13:45, 5 miles sub 40:00. Gotta get where you’re going, or get away from somewhere quick. As humans we should be able to propel ourselves pretty quickly over some distance. I like using ranger school standards cause it’s pretty popular throughout the Army, and it keeps me honest.
Endurance: Aside from the 5 miles sub 40:00, weighted lunges, 5×5 at 135 lbs. Necessary for long patrolling, and hauling weight over long distances. The ability to take a knee is a lot harder than it sounds after a few miles and an oppressive ruck sack, or IOTV.
via: https://bodybuilding-wizard.com/barbell-lunge/
I’ll measure these in my own physical fitness test that I’ll take every 2 weeks on a Sunday and log my scores.
Next Stop: The Pantry and the Fridge. You can’t out sweat a bad diet, you might get lucky for a little while, but it’s definitely not something sustainable, hell, even body builders have an off season.
Open up that pantry and that fridge, and bask in all that disgusting food. Now, throw out everything in there that has a shelf life of more than one week. If it didn’t die or get picked to get put into your fridge, freezer or pantry, get rid of it. Say goodbye to bread, pasta, crackers, cereal, candy, sugar, flour, juices, jams, margarine, ice cream, yogurt (unless it’s the bitter as hell kind with 0 sugar), chocolate, condiments, and sauces. Oh yeah… goodbye booze.
I have a vendetta for processed foods, in my years of self experiment, and research, I’ve determined that the more humans process a food, the worse it is for you. I’m not original in that thought at all, I can’t take credit for it, but it’s what has worked the best for me after about 15 years of a stabilized weight. Here’s a few myths to put to bed by the way.
I’ll do a juice cleanse to lose some weight…
Lets do some quick math to compare the benefits of your juice cleanse idea, and just eating some fruit.
To note: Difference in Carbs, sugar, and fiber. By stripping that fiber you get to make room for or carbohydrates, most in the form of sugar. Bottom line… fruit, especially it’s juice, is a dessert, it is something to have sparingly at the end of a meal. So telling me you’re going to drink nothing but juice or eat nothing but fruit is almost the same as saying you’re going to eat nothing but maple syrup.
But I buy organic sugar…
News flash, there’s no such thing. All sugar comes from distilled and processed sugar cane, stop fooling yourself. Additionally, saying a calorie is a calorie is like saying a gallon is a gallon as you fill your gas tank with water. Cut out those processed sugars and stick to getting your sweets from a piece of fruit.
I’ve gotta eat multiple times a day….
There’s so much info out on intermittent fasting that I’m surprised this myth isn’t dead yet. I mean people will misquote the bible to tell me why gay people will burn in hell, but completely gloss over the part where it says that Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights and look at those abs.
Don’t worry about being a little hungry, only in a country enshrined in capitalism can somebody convince you that in order to lose weight you have to eat more.
Don’t worry, I only eat things that are fat free…
Fat isn’t the enemy, unless you’re talking about trans fats (fat that should be solid at room temperature, but through a chemical process is now a liquid). Here’s were my diet is awesome, you can eat bacon, eggs, cheese, and butter without a care in the world. Big juicy steak, topped with a fried egg, and a pad of butter on a bed of bacon, that’s my kinda meal. Just don’t touch that damn dinner roll. Don’t fret over fat, avoid sugar, and refined carbs.
Why do I have to throw this stuff out I’m wasting food!?
That stuff is fake calories, and if you think you’ve got the will power to break your diet cold turkey and not hit a relapse from your addiction to sugar, let me just show you this picture of two different brains.
Those bright vivid colors are the pleasure centers of your brain, the red is specifically the dopamine receptors firing up. Let’s also remember that the US has an obesity epidemic and an opioid crisis, so we aren’t exactly the bastions of self control.
The truth is, fixing your diet will be the hardest thing to do. It’s one of the hardest habits to break, especially in a society that’s as in love with food as we are. I’m sure some people will blame me for fat shaming people soon enough, but the truth of the matter is most of those people are addicted to food, trust me I know, I’ve struggled with it in the past. It’s not that I’m here to shame you or anybody, but to say it’s natural, or that it’s not your fault is simply not true. We’re addicted to food (especially sugar), and we need to take personal responsibility to break ourselves of it.
Last step: The Grocery Store
We’ve gotten rid of all our garbage food, now we’ve gotta stock up on the good stuff. Stick to the outside of the grocery store isles focusing on the veggies, fruits, meats, and dairy. Most of the stuff in the middle is processed. Caned veggies are alright, frozen is better, fresh is best. Here’s what my cart looked like today.
Kale, spinach, carrots, bell peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, apples, bananas, watermelon, grapes, eggs, salmon, tenderloin beef, ground beef (for the kid lay off me), almond milk, granola (for the kid), almond butter (my vice), coffee, cashews, and almonds.
I like to look at my plate in percentages. 60% fatty meat, 20% cooked veggies, 20% raw veggies (salad). For dessert, I’ll have an apple with some almond butter, a banana, or some grapes.
So there you have it, that’s our first few steps in the right direction. Now go get some rest, we’ll look at how to put together a work out schedule to hit those goals next time.
Caffeinated Face Punch 