Deadbeat dad

Every so often I catch a whiff of cigarette smoke and find myself instantly transported to any number of spots where my father and I shared a conversation.  I’d look up as he smoked, and told me about life, and I’d be shocked at how smart and clever he was.  He seemed to turn a phrase expertly, effortlessly spinning a yarn about one subject or another.  As I grow older I learn more, and the smell of bullshit clouds my memories.  See, while the smell of smoke still reminds me of dear old dad, instead of that wild eyed bewilderment I once had, it induces more of an eye roll of contempt.

See dad was kind of a selfish prick, and while some of you out there will say not to judge, and that I’ll never understand, let me offer a rebuttal.  I have a child of my own now, and I dare say I was disappointed in him today for his actions, yet, instead of putting him down, calling him names or shaming him, I picked him up and talked through my feelings with him.  I took ownership of what I saw as his failure as my own in raising him.  We’ll work on it, and i wont show my weakness of control, by losing my temper with him.  Cause if I don’t show him, who will?

I’ll be dammed if I’m going to let another man fill that roll, I’ll be dammed if I’m going to fail him and blame him for my inadequacies.  As men and fathers we owe it to our progeny to be the men we wanted to be.  I was a scared and cowardly child, who cried at doctors visits, and when I was away from my mother, Hell i had a blankie and a pacifier till i was in grade school.  But I forced myself to grow up, late as I did, I became the man I wanted to become.  So when I see that in my kid, I don’t recoil at his weakness, I show him my new found strength and teach him to harness the same in himself.  So that he hopefully finds it younger than I did.

So this one goes out to those deadbeat dads who were never there.  Those dads that refused to drive two hours to see their kids graduate from the most grueling school the army has to offer or watch them conquer their fear of heights.  I noticed that drive wasn’t too far when you were meeting your girlfriend by the way.  For those dads that are too cowardice to pick up the phone to hear their grandson’s voice.  Cause without them I would never be man enough to look at the world and give it the middle finger.

Thanks dad

Your Smartphone is Going to Kill You

     “Who’s ever going to give a damn about having the internet on their phone?”  -Evan Adams 1999

Smartphones, facebook, twitter, and apps… they the devil.  Working on a college campus has really jaded me to how we’ve become slaves to our phones and connectivity.  While I love GPS, Google, and the ability to rapidly access information whenever I need it, I think it’s starting to kill us, physically and socially.  You older folks don’t get to complain about millennial on this one either, because your guilty too.  After thinking about this, phone free, and doing some research, I think I’ve figured out some of the darker aspects of social media, and the use of smartphones.

The rise of mere presence marketing

Phones got smaller, internet got faster, and advertiser’s eyes got bigger.  Now instead of paying the middle man of broadcast companies, every jackass with a phone and a twitter feed became walking billboards.  This phenomenon is called mere presence marketing.  For a while celebrities didn’t know anything about it, they’d tout your sneakers and jacket without cashing in on that sweet sweet marketing cash.  While celebrities have gotten savvy on their marketing strategies, us mere peasants probably don’t realize the impact we have on each other every time we take a selfie with a brand name in view and post it on social media.

Minus the irony

Mere presence marketing and manufactured celebrity endorsements have refined this art into a science, hell they’ve even Categorized social media to understand the strategic and tactical applications.  Marketing companies have seen the slow decent into the lifeless shells we are online and have subsequently created lifeless shell profiles to relate to us.  In the 90’s our parents were worried that video games and tv would rot our brains and destroy our social skills, but nay, that was merely a chink in the armor.  The twenty four hour connectivity, mass of information, and shallow relationships of social media (with app games included in there) is, by far, more invasive.  Every time you get a notification, receive a like, give a like, post a comment, we take a hit of that sweet dopamine.  90’s video games could be turned off, but I’ll be dammed if I don’t instinctively check my phone if I even think I feel it vibrate.

I don’t want to mention how much time I devoted to killing this son of a bitch

New Societal Pressures

The problems mentioned above don’t stand alone, the pervasiveness of social media in our culture and throughout the world has impacted our society.  We’re like alcoholics that have developed an extremely high tolerance.  We’re addicted to a feeling, a habit, and a lifestyle, that has engulfed our friends, but we can’t put it down.  The more you drink (browse), the more it takes to find that feeling of euphoria, numbness, and social acceptance.

Every time you look at your phone you gotta take a shot!

We’ve gotten so addicted to the fleeting moments of pleasure, that we’ve developed crushing anxiety and fear, for missing out on the action.  The yoga mom expression, that wreaks of essential oils, is FOMO, or fear of missing out.  There’s so much content being published online that it’s not nearly possible for us to consume it, leaving you in a constant state of information overload.  Ever answer a text while driving?  Ever scroll down a news feed till 2am?  How bout this, ever check your phone while your having sex?   These are the problems that are being reported by teenagers and adults alike.

I hope this goes viral….

We’ve committed to our fake social lives and accomplishments more than our physical lives.  I don’t know where you were in 2016, but you couldn’t venture outside without running into somebody looking for a fake Pokemon.  So yeah, what’s it matter that you have a flesh and blood human being sitting across from you (or on top of you) when you just got a “like” for the picture of the dinner you cooked for them.  Hell, you’ve probably showed it off as soon as you found out.

My eyes are up HERE Karen!

The added pressure to be available online at all times, available for your friends, or your overly demanding boss… (I’m looking at you Matt) whenever they text.  You’re out trying to have the “best weekend ever with the boys” or to eat the best food at the trendiest restaurants so we can capture it online which has pressured us into making Fake Personas. Who wants to be friends with someone that’s unavailable?  Who wants to get notifications from a downer?  How the hell is everyone gonna know how awesome your marriage is if you don’t post it?

Societal Change

What the hell has this done to us? Apparently it has seriously deteriorated our attention spans by about 25% putting us below the goldfish. Those same soulless marketing agencies that are creating those shell profiles are trying to make their videos, ads, and pages easier to digest to account for this ADD.  We’ve become a culture of distraction, looking for constant entertainment and Small, Instant, Rewards.

I’m sorry what was that?

Participation in organized sports, outdoor activities, and social interaction has also severely crippled our accountability.  When’s the last time you made plans with a friend before hand and executed it without a phone call or text message?  It used to happen all the time, you’d make a plan to meet up, and just do it, I can’t even get my friends to come to my door without receiving an “I’m here” text.

Just ring the doorbell I see your for God’s sake.

Our society has become self loathing narcissists, lying about how happy they are but unable to make eye contact.  People that have a following of a thousand “friends” but suffer from loneliness.  The anonymity of the internet has also allowed us to share that hate and self loathing even easier, without the fear of having to gut our the physical and emotional response from our victims.  We used to have a word for people that couldn’t understand others emotions, it carried a certain social stigma, it was psychopath.  You’re smartphone, has turned you into a psychopath.

Depression

So why the hell do we care about this?  Because humans have grown technology much faster than what we are biologically and socially ready for.  Much like the advent of the atomic bomb, we’ve created a way for us to destroy ourselves in an instant.  Let’s take it back a few years, Homo Sapiens became the dominant species of humanoids because of their ability to form social networks and work together to develop to dominate the landscape.  Either that or it was all aliens, but regardless, my point is that we’re social creatures.

The truth is out there

     As social creatures, we need touch.  No shit, we need it, it’s not a want, something that’s good to have, its a necessity.  So the fact that we’ve put each other on the back burner, bypassing our instinctive need for human touch is one hell of an omen.  Quick, do you think teen sex is on the rise?  Do you think these damn juvenile delinquents are hanging around everywhere getting stoned, smoking, and fucking their way through their teen years?  The answer is no.  A resounding no.  If you’re older than 30, chances are you were far more promiscuous than your nephews and nieces.

Grandma got down a lot harder than the average high school student

The bottom line is Kids aren’t having sex as much any more, they are barely even dating, hell, they aren’t hanging out in person anymore. If you don’t know why this is a problem, look up the rising accounts of incels.  Our social barriers are  expanding, our outrage culture, and vindictive natures have made almost all forms of interactions a minefield.  Privacy and tact have died, and the pressure is driving us all into depression.

So if you’re reading this on your phone in a waiting room, or while you’re laying in bed next to your loved one, do humanity a favor and put this away and strike up some small talk.  Shake a hand, give a hug, or just simply give a shit about somebody else for two seconds.

Lightsabers are horseshit

 

There’s always been something a bit off about watching lightsaber duels in Star Wars, and I’ve finally pinpointed it.  This is a technical aspect that I’ve rooted out, not the fact that most of the newer fights deal with the good guys and bad guys simply taping blades and lacking follow through.  To be fair, Disney had done a better job of addressing the follow through piece, but is still guilty of producing crappy movies, er, technically flawed representations of a lightsaber duel.  The Achilles heel of every single lightsaber scene in every star wars movie boils down to weight distribution and inertia.

Balancing the blade

The lightsaber’s only weight, is the casing and components, known as the hilt, with a very light blade giving you essentially a deadly flashlight.  Real swords and sabers are balanced so that the blade’s weight, and the handles weight, equal out giving you a center of gravity somewhere along that handle slightly up the blade.  This gives you a bunch of mass balanced on a small pivot point that allows you to control the blade through minimal movement, capitalizing on gravity and momentum.

from: http://blog.subcaelo.net/ensis/documenting-dynamics-of-swords/

 

Sword makers can balance these things out through a number of ways, one of which was to introduce a pommel (noted above), which lets you wield a heavier, heartier blade.  This is a problem that sets you up for a whole slew of problems that we’ll address.  With a real sword, you can move and twist your hand slightly, allowing for the weight at either end of the sword to take over and effortlessly move the blade.  For lightsabers, the hilt itself has got to be balanced, taking the blade mostly out of the equation, giving you the maneuverability of a roll of quarters.

NOPE!

     Basically, now you have to employ a lot more movement of the wrist and pivoting at the elbow which will dramatically slow down your lightsaber duel.  Additionally, if you look at the construction of a lightsaber, most of the weight appears to be in the butt end of the handle in the power cell.

In other words, the lightsaber has a budonkadunk

      In a real sword, you can use the weight of the blade, coupled with leverage along a long handle to strike down your enemy, in a lightsaber, you are really hoping to make a clean, quick slice to avoid your blade bouncing back at you quickly.    This brings me to my next point.

Inertia issues

Ah inertia, as an Allie it’s a beautiful thing, as an enemy it is your undoing.  By giving up the mass of a blade, you give up a lot of inertia.  Why, because you have drastically reduced mass, which lets you move faster, but with far less impact.  Like a Moped moving at 130 mph.  Swords do a good job of transferring energy from the handle, along the blade, using leverage and inertia, propelling the mass of the blade into your enemy.  If you take away the blade’s mass, the energy stays right in the handle, forcing you to exert a whole lot more force, outside of the center of mass, if your lightsaber comes against some resistance.

Near mass-less objects encountering resistance, what lightsaber duels would really look like

      Now instead of a real blade being accelerated and gaining momentum due to it’s weight, all you have is a handle with all it’s weight centered in your hand, dramatically limiting gravity and inertia’s role.    Additionally, without a pommel and mass of a blade, it takes a whole lot more effort to hold that handle still when an enemy hits the tip of your blade thanks to leverage.  So, little to no mass, coupled with little to no leverage at the handle, means you can move the blade fast, but with very little inertia.

Problems with Twirling

So why is that inertia important?  Because you want to twirl your blade all sexy like, both impressing the girls (or boys), and striking fear into your enemy.  You wanna look like a god damn ninja master bouncing away blaster bolts and severing limbs.  Well without a balanced blade, and a center of gravity in the center of your hand, that twirling becomes extremely difficult.  There’s a reason baton twirlers keep the weight on the ends of the baton.

Darth maul aint got shit on this lady

     You can really see this principle if you take a flashlight, and a bat, and feel how much the barrel of the bat causes the handle to pivot.  Eliminate the barrel of the bat, and you lose a lot of the force you can exert, and a lot of potential energy stored at the beginning of a swing.  You might not think this is a big deal until you realize how much you depend on the weight of a blade to turn the handle in your hand.  Hell, look at the delicate balance of weight in that baseball bat, there’s a reason the handle is the thinnest.  The balancing of a bat, much like a sword, gives you a sweet spot about 2/3rds of the way up.  Without mass at the end, your sweet spot is in your hand.

The Saber Toss

Back to that whole twirling thing, if you watch the link you’ll see a lady throwing crazy spinning batons in the air with easy.  This is possible through her intrinsic understanding of momentum, balance, and fine motor skills of a long object, with a center of gravity balanced between a long axis.  Now if you shrink that axis, and center the weight, your going to dramatically slow down the ability for that object to twirl around brilliantly, leaving you looking less like Tom Cruise in Cocktail, and more like your haphazard wood shop teacher.

Not a lightsaber

     Throwing a saber would look less like a brilliant spinning display of aggression, and more like a lazily thrown beer bottle.  The only movie to get this right was Return of the Jedi, where Vader’s throw barely makes a full circle in a sloppy attack to throw off Luke.

When Blades Meet

So, what happens when these blades meet, or maybe you hit some armor resilient to lightsabers?  A flash of light, some electric whirs, a stalemate?  No, with no mass at the blade, that handle is going to pivot violently unless you’ve got the grip strength of Dr. Arnold Nerenberg.  See, all that speed you put into your swing might not carry a bunch of inertia at the blade, but that handle does have inertia in it.  By bouncing off an offenders blade, your blade has nothing to slow it down on it’s bounce back towards your face, which means your handle just got some force introduced to it, far away from it’s center of gravity.

So what would a real duel look like?

In a reality with lightsabers, and in my opinion, every saber duel should be like the one between Obi-Wan and Darth Maul on Tatooine.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you are not nerdy enough to understand this article, and you need to watch some Rebels.  Either way, it would look more like very risk adverse fencing, rather than knock down dragged out slug fests.

Boss

Shout out to George L Turner of the Association of Renaissance Martial Arts who is far smarter than I ever hope to be.

The Army Combat Fitness Test… or How I stopped worrying and learned to accept defeat.

Intro

What the hell is the ACFT?

The Army Combat Fitness Test is the newest assessment the army has flopped out in an attempt to measure a Soldiers combat readiness.  Readiness is the vague term that the military uses to describe the ability to deploy.  The vagueness of readiness gives type A people the chills because you can’t measure it, but I digress.  The ACFT is composed of dead lifts, hand release push-ups, power throws with a medicine ball, sprint / drag / carry of a sled, a hanging leg tuck, and a 2 mile run.  This test requires a Hex bar (with weights up to 360 lbs), a medicine ball (10 lbs), a sled with 90 lbs and rope, two 40 lb kettle bells, and a set of pull-up bars.  I would go into depth on each event, but it honestly doesn’t matter for this argument because…

We don’t use the tools of the trade

Not sure if you guys noticed, but this test doesn’t use ANY military equipment, or specific combat applicable movements.  The regulation justifies these exercise using shaky footing and awkward statements in a “relevance of test” section for each exercise such as…

The Leg Tuck

Not sure how many vertical walls feature a completely open frame, with a convenient bar to grab in order hurl your feet towards your elbows, but this movement also doesn’t test much outside your abs and grip strength… which, even though incorporating a dead hang, doesn’t colorize the skinless dudes forearms.

The Power Throw

If this is how you’re throwing a hand grenade or pulling out a casualty, you’re a liability, not a battle buddy.  Not to say that this doesn’t require strength and coordination, but it doesn’t emulate combat in the slightest, especially in the ways mentioned in the relevance portion.  He’s not moving equipment, that implies picking it up, hauling it, and putting it down, he’s throwing it…. behind him.  He’s also not dragging anything, and the fact that he’s throwing it behind him negates the grenade thing.  This is just overall a dumb explanation written by people that wanted to justify their stupid medicine ball throws they do at their “box” work for them finally.

The Push Up

This is the worst offender of all, first and foremost, it’s a timed strength test that requires you to do non-work movement, so moving your hands out and resetting to a very specific part of your body, secondly, the relevance portion is laughable.  If you’re not following me here, let me illustrate…. Who pushes a vehicle with their chest and triceps?  How many fighters out there are developing their chest in an attempt to press up an opponent?  Also straining your neck back like that is not exactly a natural position.

Last issue here…

The 2 Mile Run

Which one of those pics have people that look like they are moving towards combat?  Although Sergeant Major Daily is a bad ass that could probably defeat any developed country’s military by himself while wearing PTs, the guy to his left looks more like he’s headed to the Green Beans on the FOB than he is a bunker.

This test uses equipment that we don’t use, in a uniform that we only wear for PT, and has the audacity to to call itself a combat readiness test.  So congratulations, you’ve created a test in which it doesn’t recreate an environment, uniform, or movement of what you’re testing for, AND will cost additional money for the purchase of specialized equipment.  This leads me to my next point.

Money problems and branding

This ACFT looks more like a crossfit WOD than a military fitness test, thus completing the evolution of crossfit as the ultimate cop out military workout for lazy leadership and legitimizing fruitless effort at the gym.  Crossfit is, funny enough, a great parallel for this test, it’s pointless, doesn’t incorporate functional movement, and makes you look like an asshole.  The test isn’t only a shallow attempt at “functional fitness” but it also continues the Army trend of bowing to the military industrial complex through its uniform and equipment shenanigans.

The equipment, that this test demand every Army unit to purchase,  can be easily replaced by military equipment and individually issued equipment.  Instead of hex bars, lets wear our body armor (or ruck) and pick up water jugs.  Instead of a weighted sled, drag a pole-less litter (with aforementioned water jugs), and water jugs replacing the kettle bells.  But, no, we are beholden to contracting, and stuck in our old ways of thinking, physical training is only done in the physical training uniform.

These issues pop up after the fact, mainly because of the vast amount of yes men that surround general officers and their offices.  The overwhelming issue is the vast distance between the people doing the research and development, and the common, chain smoking, tattoo having, energy drink addicted, twice divorced, degenerate Soldier.  But that’s another post, and another time.

This devil dog gets it….

How it could be better. 

Not one to bitch without offering a solution… here’s what I propose.  The grading would be gender and age neutral, and would have no cap for points, every 10 seconds would be a point, with lower points being better.

-Uniform: ACUs and IOTV.

-Equipment needed: 40 meters climbing rope, Pole-less litter, Water cans, IOTV.  All of this is either individually issued equipment or part of the Army supply system that can be easily and cheaply ordered.

-First event is a .5 mile run, followed immediately by a .25 mile run with a full water can.  Graded by time.  Grades the ability to quickly move to a fighting position or to an assailable flank, as well as the ability to quickly move supply or ammunition a short distance to a fighting position.

-Second event is a Pole-less litter drag for 400 meters, followed immediately by a pole-less litter pull for 25 meters (litter with two full water cans, attached to a rope that you have to pull from a stationary position). Graded by time

-Third event is  a 50 meter water can relay where you have to pick up and move 6 x water cans to the 50 meter mark however you want (one at a time or two). Graded by time.

And that’s it… that’s the test.  The only thing I would add that is more of an exercise than a directly correlated combat movement would be pull-ups and dips, which to be fair, could easily be found on many army posts or built (for remote locations).  But they test your upper body strength in pushing and pulling scenarios mimicking that of getting yourself or a casualty out of a turret.

 

Political Rant

Ive noticed something, as of late, about the political machine, as it were.  I’ve noticed that both sides of the aisle are pretty much full of the same bullshit.  I know, I know, that’s no surprise, but allow me to elaborate a little.  See I have family and friends on both sides of the aisle so I get to hear the bickering and the squabbling, I get to see the condescending looks and the finger pointing.  The thing is, we came from pretty much the same background, and have shared a lot of the same experiences, at least my generation (the dreaded millennial).

Marketing and campaigning is all the same

The tobacco industry doesn’t have shit on the marketing behind our political machines, I mean, they’re products are chemically addictive, lethal, and still have a lower rate of breaking up family dinners than political discussion.  Both sides have stopped bashing each other through logic and reason and have instead insisted on appealing to emotions and down right misinformation.  Both sides do this, and it has led to an America divided between political factions based on a hand full of recycled arguments and flawed logic.  This is exacerbated by campaigning politicians that are just looking for that sweet re-election.  It’s a great part of how Trump won, appealing to sensational, emotional fervor, that just ended up leading to the same conclusion.  The greatest downfall is the fact that as transparent as the failure for the newly appointed politician’s campaign was, people still back him based on emotional, tribal, bullshit.  More on this thought in a bit.

What’s going on behind the curtain?

Well, I again point to the line on the stage, in the tape, separating the two parties.  If you think that your party is above putting your needs ahead of their own, you’re naive.  Both Hilary and Trump profited greatly through campaign fund raisers, use of “non-profit” foundations, and public events.  Trump even went so far as to market apparel publicly, wearing those wonderful red hats that have seemed to empower half our population and subsequently pissed off the other half.  To say one party is pure at heart, while the other is corrupt is juvenile, there is blame on both sides, and the more we turn a biased blind eye, the worse it gets.  Politics are profitable, it’s a fact we either have to accept to push our own agendas, or change for the betterment of our democratic experiment.  Overall I pose the following question, which should hit the root of the issues we face.

Is the government supposed to serve businesses, or people?

So lets look at all of the issues out there and trace the origins to the real motivation here, which I think, is money.  The question you should start out your discussion is, who stands to profit, the common people, or large corporations?  Take something like welfare, used on the left as a means to prop up the lower class, and on the right as an unfair use of hard earned tax dollars.

The shiny object is the fact that some people need money to supplement (or completely rely upon) their low income.  Follow the money, if you were a business that could get away with paying your employees less, because the government was going to supplement their income, would you do it?  Would you cut insurance, cause you knew it was more profitable?  Don’t even think twice, you’d do it in a heart beat, and it’s not just small businesses we’re talking about here, Walmart got in all kinds of trouble cause they were actively encouraging their employees to file for welfare.  So, through this lense, the real question for politicians is, are you actually helping the poor by supplementing income, or are you just supporting a business that is taking advantage of the system?  This isn’t my mindless rambling, this argument has been made several times, but this is how you have to start analyzing problems if you want to really educate yourself as a voter.

The counter argument sometimes comes out that unskilled labor just isn’t worth that much, however, the worth of unskilled labor is as much as we allow it to be.  By further dividing the classes through the systemic taxing and subsidizing, I think we’re giving businesses the power to set that worth, rather than empowering the people (who elect these politicians) to set the worth.  In the past, unions, and even politicians, fought for the laborers, their rights, income, and wellbeing.

How do we fix it? 

I’m not sure, I’m no political scientist, or economist, my argument is just that we should fight for the people, not for the wealthy, whether that be individuals or businesses.  I mean, what ever happened to the principles of capitalism the market should decide if a smaller profit margin should allow them to continue growth.  We don’t care when it comes to large groups and demographics of our society, why should we care if some CEO is taken care of?  Government officials should remember the principles of service, and remember, they’re there to represent us, not to light torches and gain approval.  They should be one of us, and judging by the mass divide in wealth, shouldn’t be very worried about lining their pockets and keeping the status quo alive.

Depression

It’s a slippery slope, sometimes you mess something up, mundane as it can be, but for days and weeks at a time it will eat at you.  You try something new, just for it to flop hard.  You watch as others succeed and convince yourself that it was just luck in their favor.  This one’s for you, lovable losers, written by one of your own.  This is for when you think you’re better than you are, and life gives you a hard dose of reality in the form of failure.  For lack of a better phrase, sometimes you just go bitch mode.

I’ve been down lately, my shirts don’t sell, nobody reads my stuff, and work feels like it’s just a constant kick in the nuts. Granted, I haven’t written much lately, so I guess it’s my own fault, but I’ve pored some work into some other stuff with no results.  Same with the shirts, seems to me I just kind of suck.  So yeah… feeling the bitch mode lately.

But I’m writing this because sometimes you just gotta give yourself a little pity party before dusting yourself off and going back into the breach.  I like to reflect back on my failures of the past and think through how I got the hell over it and kept at it anyways.  Being the fat and nerdy kid growing up really solidified my resolve when faced with a personal dilemma.  It seemed like every time life gave me some kind of fucked up obstacle I was able to get right the hell over it.  No matter how many doors slammed in my face I just kept kicking them open, bypassing them, or picking the lock.

This isn’t about bragging, or talking about how I overcame problems, this is just some reflection for whoever the hell decides to read through this, possibly facing the same thing, just keep at it.  Fuck it, don’t quit, just keep pounding your knuckles against that problem, or that obstacle.  Keep fighting through this shit, cause someone out there has it harder, and someone out there has it easier, but none of that matters because this is you.  You are responsible for fighting your own fight and making it better, don’t get stuck in that bitch mode.

My depression has always been mild, but it most definitely has always been there.  If you’re out there feeling like that, I’m here to tell you you’re not alone. Sometimes it feels like it’s a big lie, like you’re kidding yourself when you say you have value, but do it anyways.  You just have to be willing to give the world the finger for shitting on you, take the good with the bad and deal.

So yeah, this post is just me giving the world the finger, cause I’m not going to be a whiny bitch.  I’m better than this, and I’m gonna fight through it.

The Types of People You See on a Cruise

If you’ve ever been on a cruise ship you realize, it’s literally going on a vacation with about 4,000 people.  Not that you are going on vacation around 4,000 people, no, you are all on one big trip together.  You eventually develop a pattern of life on the ship and settle into a routine.  The thing is, so does everybody else, which creates a disgusting little eco system that you evolve to become a part of.  But in this cesspool of delinquents you start to see patterns, groups, and reoccurring themes.   I’ve gone on three cruises now, and I think I’ve categorized these weirdos for your reading pleasures.

1. Physical Oddities:   These people deserve a second look.  These folks probably still stand out in everyday life amongst the civilized, but on the boat, these oddballs start to cluster like multiple balls in a pinball game.  I’d just like to point out, I’m not saying these guys are freak shows or anything, but their presence and quirks are amplified when seen amongst the rest of the scum on the boat.

The Olympians– These two, and there are always two, are ALWAYS at the gym, or working to even out a tan.  These are the two most ripped and jacked couple on the boat.  They wear nothing but workout apparel, and are rarely seen doing anything social in nature.

Agent Orange– Hands down the most tan person on the boat.  These leather bound skeletons continue to work on their tan, even though their presence increases your chance for melanoma.

The Illustrated Man / Woman– Super tats, ink covers their body, sometimes they come in pairs, but for the most part there is always someone on the boat covered in tats.

Big-foot–  He’s at the pool, and he’s wearing a sweater of human hair.  To him there is no such thing as man-scaping.  They surely shut down the pool after big-foot gets out just to make sure the pumps don’t get clogged.

The Trophy Wife– No cruise would be complete without a disgustingly old guy carting around a disturbingly young woman with a face full of surgery and a torso full of silicone.

2. Herds and Groups:  These are the typical people that you might run into in real life only concentrated in the tin can of a cruise ship.  Their annoyance has been turned up to 11, and they somehow inhabit all of the public areas of the ship seemingly at once.

Douche Troop– This streak of D-bags, numbering 3-8, with an average maturity peaking at about 7th grade can be found primarily at the bars, pool, and clubs.  These are the guys that go on a cruise because of the prospect of meeting women and the ability to buy roofies at the ports of call.  They are by far the most annoying group on this list.

Party Girls– Similar to the Douche Troop, these girls have the same numbers, maturity levels, and often sport nice clothing, soiled by colorful mixed drinks.  They sign up for the cruise in the hopes of romance, but most often end up crying amongst themselves and holding their heels.

Garbage Pale Kids–  These gross ass kids clump together in a little murder of patient zeros, grotesque features, and always dirty children, seldom with a person that could plausibly of spawned them.  These kids are always at the buffet, and anything with water, to include the jacuzzis and adult pools.

“Old Enough to Drink” Kids– It’s spring break, and the graduating class of wherever has decided to go on a cruise with their parents, where out at sea means old enough for me.  These kids are often trying to sneak booze in the most obvious ways possible, whilst trying to downplay the fact that they’re on the boat with their parents.

3. Attention Whores:  These people are normally tolerable in day to day life, but the increased likelihood of running into them, or aliens-forbid being forced into a social situation with them, makes you roll your eyes out of your skull.

Sisqo’s Inspiration– There is always one girl that packs nothing but tight rolls of thongs in her luggage.  Of course she can be spotted at the pool, somehow almost exclusively at the pool.  Just remember not to stare too hard, as the sheer number of people around, will most definitely solidify you as the creepy guy.

Pool Girls– This could be a break off from the aforementioned party girls, one may even be Sisqo’s Madonna, but most likely this is a pair of women that make it their job to hold down the tiles around the edge of the pool.  Sometimes they’re content to sit their silently, sometimes, if you make it close enough, you can hear their judgements and complaints about the surrounding cruisers.  Either way, you’ll never find them without an umbrella drink.

Divas–  Look everyone likes to dress nice, but these chicks are dressed WAY too nice.  They make everything about their elaborately gaudy outfits, and will actually shop at the ridiculously over priced shops on the boat.

Alcoholics Identified–  These few sad saps might legitimately have a drinking problem, some are just so damn pumped to be on the cruise that they refuse to not be shit faced.  Either way, these fuckers can’t be seen without a drink in their hand.  The best is when you see them loudly object to the staff refusing to serve them alcohol.

4. No Fucks Given:  There are several people on this list, yet not a single fuck the be given.  These tired and briny shipmates refuse don’t let a little thing like shame or judgement stop them from being who they are.

Fat guy in a little swimsuit– Never fails, romping around the pool buffet area is an obnoxiously large man wearing an obnoxiously small pair of shorts.  There is scarcely little given in both the available cloth covering his ass, as well as the fucks available in the space this man is giving.  This goes both ways, cause there have been plenty of very large women conquering the poolside like so many beached whales.

Basic Chick– Yeah those are sweat pants, yes that is a stain on her shirt, she doesn’t care, these folk are the complete opposite of the Divas in both dress and appearance.  You never see these people going to the sit down dinner, no, nothing more than the burger bar and maybe the buffet on the dress up night.  On the plus side, the longer you’re at sea, the better looking they get.

Booze horders–  Take a trip back to high school, when booze was a rare commodity, handed to you from on high, or a homeless guy you paid to buy it for you, cause often times these kids can’t legally by booze, instead having to buy it on port calls and smuggling it back in to the boat.  The phenomenon occurs in the older crowd as well, when they get sick of paying strip club prices for shitty sugar water with a shot of piss rum.  Either way, they hike around coffee thermoses, bottles of water with no labels, and often carry a spare soft drink mixer with them.  It’s obvious, but they’re drunk enough to have lost all fucks.

Professional Dads–  There’s nothing these men aren’t ready for, you can tell by their standard uniform.  Boonie cap, long sleeve moisture wicking button down shirt (extra points for a PFG shirt), cargo shorts, ankle socks, and sneakers.  Standard issue is a backpack with the kids stuff, a comically large bottle of water, sun screen, sun glasses, and seasonal gear.  They may look like they are venturing into Jurassic Park, but it’s better than hearing her shit again (am I right fellas?).  Pro Dad doesn’t care about you, because he doesn’t have the energy to.  He hates you, and your fun.

Salty Parents–  Toddlers.  They are absolute terrorist.  In a boat full of people acting like drunken assholes, they still manage to stand out.  The parents of toddlers on a boat hate everyone around them.  They know you’re bothered by their kid screaming, but for you, this is an annoying story that you share with your friends about that one time, for them, it’s life.  They often sport the same outfit as the basic chick, cause let’s face it, does it really matter when everything else has a stain on it?

5. Rarities and Odd Ones:  These shellbacks are 1% of the population on the boat, and are uncanny in their ability to stand out amongst thousands.  They can either be complete standalones or, could be part of one of the previously mentioned weirdos smashed together like a little fusion bomb of oddity.

Fat Guy and Hot girl Combo–  I’ve seen one of these couples, ONE, every time.  Some how there is a limit of this type of couple on every boat.  The title explains it all, it’s an absurdly large person, with an astonishingly good looking girl or boy friend.  This always requires a double take, because the arm candy is almost always in the most revealing outfits or walking around shirtless.  It’s not a jealousy thing, I always think, “well good for you”, but it is something that takes you aback.

Generation Party–  This is by far the cutest of the bunch, generation parties are when a family including at least three generations goes on a cruise together.  It’s usually the grandchildren’s celebration of whatever, but dammit they roll deep and they refuse to break up the party.  If you see these folks, follow them around, I promise you it will be worth it.  The grandparents will get shit faced and say something extremely embarrassing, or possibly racist.  Followed by the grandchildren trying like hell to bang  someone.

So there you go, book a cruise and bust out your personal game of bingo and see if you can see these monuments of human oddities.  By all means, if you have more for this list, let me know, as I do play a sort of messed up bingo with my wife every time we go out on the ship, we’re always looking to add to the board.

Why I think kids are getting shot

There’s been such a depressing rise in school shootings, mass shootings in general, and overall gun violence.  This isn’t about politics, although, it might not line up with your views.  This is just my two cents in a terrible phenomenon that’s been on the rise throughout my life.  Contrary to the loud barking around the country, I don’t think its a gun control issue, or a mental health issue, although, yes, it’s a piece, and I’m for government regulation on guns, and I think access to mental health are crucial.  You can argue those points somewhere else, although as a quick aside, I find it ironic that most of the people that argue for the second amendment have never even held an assault rifle, let alone be able to define what one is.  All that aside, what follows is my theory of why we are seeing so much of this horrible violence.

1. The drop in team sports

Here’s some depressing information, youth sport participation is down, and it’s been in a steady state of decline.  While seemingly innocuous, the drop of participation in team sports is extremely alarming if you give the slightest shit about children’s development.  Team sports teaches children about their peers, themselves, and life.  There’s nothing like a bitter loss to another team to teach you that you’re not the good guy in every story, life is an unforgiving bitch, but sometimes you have to dust yourself off and try again.  But that’s the point, kids not experiencing the joy of a win, or the sting of defeat.  So the majority of kids are coasting through, staring down at their phones, and waiting to press the skip add on their daily life, continuously disconnecting themselves from that social group around them.  Humans are social creatures and we need face to face interaction, team sports provides that crucial social cueing, letting you know when you’re being a dickhead, or when you’re crushing it, giving you real value for your actions, or forcing you to adapt.

2. Nerfing the World

Holy shit parents of my generation and forward have gotten to be such pussies.  That’s right, pussies.  We’ve (yes we, I’ve got a kid) got to stop wrapping our kids in foam before the head out of the door.  Don’t get me wrong, football is evil, what I’m saying is let them take some risk for shit’s sake!  I see this a ton in the military, most officers have become so risk averse for fear of pissing off a supervisor, but dammit the same thing happens in civil society.  Not only are we afraid that our kids will get a boo boo, but we’re convinced that losing a game will make them suffer from PTSD.  This kind of emotional padding, and physical protection, just sets up a complex for a kid that they have no control.  The lack of control for a human, especially one raging with hormones, is a very scary thing.  If you don’t think it’s an issue, grab a feral cat and throw them in a cage…. go ahead, maybe corner a pit bull in a room.  Either way, an animal (yes we are animals), even when domesticated, that’s been cornered will very often burst out in fits of violence.  Taking away risk and danger isn’t always the best thing for your kid is all I’m saying, let them find out they suck at something and learn to get better.

3. Digital masturbation

A lot of people would probably be quick to point out that kids get to be on facebook, twitter, snap, and gaming systems as a way to explain social interaction, team sports, and problem solving.  The only answer you get from me is “No”.  Saying a kid on a video game gets to learn how to work on a team is the same as saying jacking off whilst watching porn will make you better at sex.  Chatting on social media is exactly the same.  Just cause you’re a whiz at texting some smooth line to a girl you like doesn’t mean you can look her in the eye and say it with confidence on the fly.  Yet we continue to make these excuses and pump this bullshit science.  You can try to link a lot of beneficial studies to video games and social media, but I again point to the fact that we are basic ass biological beings, we need physical interaction to fully stimulate our brains.  Don’t buy the hype, put your kid out there in the dirty ass world, unplugged, and let them scrape their knees, make friends, make enemies, and get in trouble.

4. The drop in outdoor activity and lack of an outlet for violence

The most annoying thing to hear is “back in my day we had gun racks, with guns in them, and nobody got shot!”.  First of all, I again like to point out, a lot of these same people couldn’t tell me what the difference between an M4 and an AR15 is, nor could they explain the general engagement distance that a hunting rifle and ammunition is designed for compared to an assault rifle.  Second, lets go back to that statement, the hypothetical old person saying that has got a great point, those guns were in cars, but let’s focus on why they were in cars.  Unlike today, where everyone thinks they live in an action movie, those guns were probably used for hunting, or recreational shooting, not for protection.  Those are the things people did before they could become little Rambos on a television screen.  My point is, they had an outlet to channel all those violent tendencies that we have, without resorting to mass murder.  I bet you have already surmised that outdoor activities, especially hunting and fishing, are on the decline.  Outdoor activities, hunting, fishing, hiking, camping, and just generally going outside with some friends, gives kids, especially boys a chance to get those violent outbursts out in small ways rather than letting them build into a huge outburst.

5.  Shutting out the world and forgetting what a community is

I live in a suburb, I hate it, but yeah, I live in a brick house, surrounded by other brick homes.  I have never once spoken to any of my neighbors, save for the one time the lady across the street screamed because of a lizard in her mailbox that I took out for her.  This is despite my running through the neighborhood, playing with my kid out front, walking my dog, and friendly waves.  My point is, we’ve fenced ourselves off from our community, and we have enough fake interaction on a screen to allow us to justify this existence.  To go back to my analogy up top, we are the kid locked in our room beating off because our parents won’t let us go out after dark (thanks mom).  By shutting out the world though, we’ve lost that crucial human interaction that gives us emotions like shame, guilt, and responsibility.  We interact like internet trolls, shunning the things that scare us or disagree with us, rather than being the human beings that this country needs us to be.  So take your headphones out, get off your phones, and go talk to someone.

6.  Influence from the adults

Remember, we’re the adults in this, it might be our fault.  Look around at the world today and tell me we had a good example set for us, then look at the example we are setting.  We bicker constantly with each other with polarizing issues and talking points.  The “adults” don’t do any smart reading, research, or problem solving, they stick to the script, call the other people fake and make empty threats, or capitalize on spectacular shows of violence.  The “adults” are worried about their kids hearing the word “fuck” on television, but don’t mind having them gun down “terrorists” in a video game.  We lose our shit if a mother breast feeds their baby in a restaurant, but applaud when a guy walks around with a pistol because they can open carry.   When did we forget that we have to raise the next generation to be better than us?  Set the example, be the best version of a human you can think of, and then show your kid that you suck and they need to be better than you.

7.  WO-Man…. whoa-man

This one is reserved for the boys, not as a sexist thing, just the fact that we’re different, and we’re the ones that seem to be fucking this up the most.  Humans are inherently violent, if you don’t believe me, wait until you have children.  We are apex predators, and predators need to hunt.  They don’t want to hunt, they need to, it’s bred into their nature.  Denying this urge, these violent streaks, and predatory nature is undoing our society.  Understand that every boy, regardless of the gender identity bullshit that everyone is up in arms about, is a rage of hormones in a body and mind that is not developed to maturity.  Suppressing these urges, and or ignoring them, will not make them go away.  We need to channel this crazy behavior into productive behaviors before we allow our young to kill themselves off.  Young girls have their own issues, which we can dive into at a later date, but boys are central to this problem.

So there you go… cast your stones or ignore this rant, either way I had to get it off my chest.

The Army is not a Business

There’s a common saying in the Army, and it routinely sends me into a rage. You’ll mainly hear the senior enlisted ranks and field grade officers spout this out when talking about efficiency or administrative functions. “The Army is like a business” they say. Whenever Battalion or Brigade level leadership feels like it’s time to wax intellectual, or drop some knowledge on junior Officers, they’ll spit out this chestnut before making their point. This saying is a little dangerous for a few reasons, and completely wrong for a few others. I would warn you potential and current wielders of this simile to be careful when using it, lest you sanitize and marginalize the darker aspects of the military and warfare. After all, the Army is mainly designed to conduct, and win, land warfare.

First, and most obviously, business applications and theories don’t always translate to the problems the Army faces. Six Sigma was a popular process that mid to senior level leaders kept trying to implement with questionable added value. Unfortunately, most Army leadership is very rigid, and not very open to changing processes or empowering junior leaders to make drastic changes in procedure, which is actually the downside of Six Sigma. Additionally, quality control is much easier to define in something like electronics production, or product design, even the more comercial service industry. The human dimension however, as well as the variables involved with direct small unit leadership, are difficult to quantify with objective and statistical analysis. It mainly comes down to opinion, circumstance, intangible perceptions, and a good ammount of risk. Additionally, in the Army, you don’t get the autonomy to run your team or group with any sort of freedom, it’s a top driven organization, very seldom is bottom up refinement solicited.  Granted, some leaders do allow and encourage communication, refinement, and empowerment of junior level leaders, but it is not a widely shared, nor encouraged practice. Funny enough, what you often hear, after they tire of the business speak is, “just do what I say”.   This is perfect transition for my next point.

The Army is the service provider, not the business. Namely, the Army engages in land warfare to protect the United States, it’s interests, and it’s constitution. The Army doesn’t get to decide when or where to deploy, or even who to fight, that’s for the Congress or President to decide. Not to trivialize warfare, or the losses suffered on both sides, but the Army is more like an employee in pest control, it doesn’t get to decide how many exterminators are employed, or which pests to eliminate, it simply goes to where the problem is and tries to figure out the best solution to eliminate the problem. The Army doesn’t control it’s own funding or size, again, it takes what it has, and what it’s equipped with, and tries to solve the problems given to it by Congress or the President. Additionally, the Army has constant turnover in personnel. Successful businesses refuse to work with the complexities and variables that the Army constantly faces, while under sever limitations and inflexible managment. This is a good thing, mainly because it would be very difficult to maintain a profit margin within said confines. This digression is necessary to point out the next issue I have with the Army as a Business model.

The Army has is no profit margin,  the budget is volatile, and it’s a gigantic money fire. The Army’s funding is delegated by the Department of Defense, from the federal budget, which has proven problematic a few times, and disastrous other times. This control leads to problems because there is not a very good synchronization between the risks, mission sets, and long term spending analysis needed to wage nearly constant warfare. Additionally, regardless of congressional approval, the President could deploy the Army, albeit for a limited time. This divorced family model of operations is extremely inefficient and leads to a large amount of waste. Additionally, the Army model of logistics does not work within the confines of a business seeking to eliminate waste, or make things more efficient. The Army cannot simply project supply costs, maintenance, training expenses, and overhead, it is at the mercy of the Government.

My final point is a bit morose, in that the Army, and warfare in general, is built on sets of hypocritical ideals. Warfare results in murder, carried out in defense of interests. While I believe there are times when warefare is very necessary, we cannot shy away from the more disturbing facts, because doing so has set a very large and clear divide between civilians and uniformed service members. But the hypocrisy lies in the standards we set for our Soldiers. We can send eighteen year olds to war, but refuse to let them drink alcohol, or smoke marijuana. We expect these same young adults to make life and death situations, under dire circumstances, which could incriminate or burry them, but we hear the general public cry out to invade countries and topple dictators. It is a brutal endeavor, and not something to be trivialized through buzz words or catch phrases under a sort of false patriotism.

If you’re a leader in the Army, or the military, don’t make yourself a target by spouting out a phrase in an echo chamber. The Army is not like a business, it’s a political tool to protect a nation and further our interests. It’s comfortable with this.  The Army kills others to protect it’s own. It’s comfortable with this. The Army is a broad sword that routinely breaks things and loses it’s edge, only to be oiled and sharpened when the job’s done. Don’t trivialize this harsh, brutal, and violent nature with clichés. 

Some Observations About “God’s Not Dead”

 

If you’ve ever wondered what a movie staring God as a stalking Rube Goldberg serial killer then “God’s Not Dead” is the movie for you. This movie makes so many blaring generalities, stereotypes, and assumptions about life and other religions you can pretty much guarantee that the writers all voted for Trump. I decided to take a peak into the orgy of self absorbed, guilt mongering, bigotry that is the movie “God’s Not Dead” and report my findings.

Mad powerpoint skills from a college freshman

Summary: First and foremost, lets dive into what this movie is all about with a quick summary. Don’t worry, it wont be too lengthy, it’s a Christian movie so it’s pretty formulaic and predictable. The movie is about a kid named Josh Weaton (pictured above), a freshman in college, who is in a philosophy class with professor Kevin Sorbo.

Professor pain

Sorbo is the embodiment of a hate mongering, douchebag, elitist atheist who goes out of his way to tell his students to denounce religion. Weaton isn’t putting up with his shit, refuses to write “God is Dead” on a piece of paper, at Sorbo’s demand which sparks a debate the spans the rest of the movie pitting Weaton against Sorbo.

He didn’t know god had tenure

Additionally there’s a side story about some journalist lady who’s dating an even douchier Dean Cain (who’s mom is also in the mix as a super old lady with alzheimer’s) and finds out she has cancer. Oh yeah, Dean Cain is some kind of TV personality, not really relevant, just meaningless details here.

This picture pretty much sums it all up

The last thread of this ugly Christmas sweater is this Pastor that continuously fails to get on the road with his church missionary from Africa, he serves as the tool of divine murder later on. We go through the movie following these bland characters until they all end up at the Christian music group concert “the Newsboys”. You can always read more about the story, but I caution you as it is a sporadic and painfully boring mess. This is about as much as you need to know.

But you don’t have to take my word for it

So what’s the point: This movie gives you an idea of what life as a closet racist, self hating, devil fearing, ultra Christian is like. Here are the highlights.

1. Everything, everywhere, is always about religion

How often would you say religion comes up in your day? If you answered all the time you’re either living in the middle east, or in a right wing Christian movie. This movie goes out of it’s way to illustrate how religion, specifically the judeo Christian variety, is forced down everyones throat and either accepted by the good, or rejected by the personification of serpent people. The main character interacts with others that are either completely on board with making religion every part of their waking lives, or have the same conviction about the opposite, trying their dammdest to make sure you know they downright hate religion.

I’ve got nowhere else to go!

The movie goes to great lengths to insert ultra conservative “celebrities” like the duck dynasty guy (no, I don’t know his name, or which specific one, and I refuse to look it up) who is interviewed while walking out of a church, or the Christian “rock” group “The Newsboys” who are also interviewed before their concert and sway the evil atheist journalist to pray with them before their show.

Merica and Jesus

This theme is repeated at the university, where no self respecting philosophy professor would bring up personal beliefs, Professor Sorbo downright tells his students to accept the belief that God is dead based on a very out of context and incomplete Nietzsche quote.   Even when Josh stands up to his professor, his girlfriend is super pissed about it and tells him to get over it so he can get a good grade.

All I ask is that you denounce religion and we can get on with the lecture

The reality: This amount of religious fervor would get you punched in the face. Nobody wants to be beat in the face with fanatical anything, these people are considered quite rude, or members of the Tea Party. Additionally, teachers get fired for pulling shit like this, journalists get fired for having shitty interviews, and students fail when they pursue pointless additional work that takes them away from their normal assignments.

 

2. Atheist = Evil Asshole

The world really likes to divide things into a good and evil, or black and white perspective on things. It’s neat and easy. This movie does an amazing job of separating people by Good Christians and Godless Atheistic Heathens. With the rational and characterization in this movie not believing in a God means you enjoy torture porn and host massive orgies where everyone refuses to say “oh God yes”.

If only

The atheists in this movie are painted as a force of evil, constantly on the look out to shit on any Christian in their vicinity for the hell of it. They are completely self absorbed hate mongers that have no respect for their fellow man, insisting that the archaic belief structure of not only religion, but Christianity, is a waste of time.

Me again; stop wasting your time!

The Sorbo Professor shits on Wheaton, the Chinese foregin exchange student doesn’t compute it, Dean Cain even dumps his girlfriend when she says she has cancer. The movie plays Athiests as a red cape wearing, mustache stroking, analogy for the struggles of Christians in a Godless world.

big daddy Cain keeps his pimp hand strong

The reality: Not believing in God doesn’t automatically make somebody a complete asshole. There’s a slew of people that follow the rules and have ethical stances without a religiously based moral code or authority figure. Additionally, even though the Christian world believes the Devil is secretly influencing society in an ever present war between good and evil, the same isn’t true for Atheists. Matter of fact, Atheists don’t believe in God, so it’s not even a good guy, bad guy thing, they don’t care. It’s like somebody going to Europe and talking about how badass the New England Patriots are to a bunch of Real Madrid fans, nobody gives a shit.

 

3. God is always personified, and Atheists hate him

One of my big beefs with religion is all over the place in this movie, the personification of a deity. That’s right, everyone refers to God as him and gives him a human like personality and feelings. Before we go on, lets just make it clear right now, if there was a God, IT wouldn’t give much of a shit weather you beat off in the privacy of your own house, or even if you put up little totems of the person who claimed to be IT’s son.

eh.

The next thing this movie does is takes those evil bastard atheists and pit’s them against God. Going back to my last point, Atheists don’t believe in God, so it makes no sense to have Sorbo pointing his finger in the sky and blaming God for all the bad that’s happening in his life. That doesn’t make him an Atheist, it makes him a Christian with a hang up.

Academia and the “academic elite” are consistently presented as caviar eating, sport coat wearing assholes that go out of there way to tell Christians how stupid they are. You would think they would save a few steps and just give them monocles and handlebar mustaches. It seems like the writer has the impression that becoming a college professor means you have to sacrifice a goat and take part in a pagan orgy to get tenure.

I remember my first snobby elite orgy

The reality: Although lots of Christians out there think reality is equal doses almighty fighting between good and evil, and practicing religion harder than your neighbor, some things just boil down to dumb luck, coincidence or chance. Atheists aren’t the devil, nor are they possessed by the devil. Science and Academics aren’t trying to disprove God, they are busy trying to prove things.

 

4. A sneak peak into the racist mind of a conservative white Christian

Holy shit this movie has some blatant displays of racism and stereotypes strewn throughout the movie. Get ready, cause these caricatures aren’t exactly subtle, or spaced out, you get all of these within minutes of starting this circus of a movie.

does not compute

We have the over analytical, shy, awkward, calculated, and human robot contest winner that is a Chinese foreign exchange student.

I don’t care if this is small town America, wear it or it gets the hose again

The Muslim girl, that is routinely condemned and suppressed by her family. Oh yeah, she’s a closet Christian.

50% of my lines are:  God is good always

The African missionary.

Merica

The fucking duck dynasty guy, who I don’t care what you think, is the Larry the Cable guy of life.

This movie goes out of it’s way to find ways to pander to the most racist close minded Christians it can find. They aren’t writing a movie, they are writing propaganda to reassure people who burn crosses and condemn their gay children. There’s nowhere in this movie where you can find a positive example of someone that isn’t an overzealous Christian.

 

5. God’s Not Dead: You Are

I’m gonna get you heathen

This is by far the only part that can be construed as pretty bad ass, granted, you paint God as a brooding mob boss. For the next few paragraphs, I will switch to what I like to think of as an inside, undercover movie, God’s Not Dead: You Are.

God forgives… but I don’t

Sorbo goes through the whole movie, talking shit, trying to take God’s territory. Pandering to the followers of the cloth to denounce their deity and try his new shit, philosophy. God was losing territory, his numbers were hurting, so he sent the only man he could, Weaton. Sorbo slowly loses his mind, and his life as Weaton spins an elaborate web of religion around him, taking his wife, his job, and eventually his life.

Stop trying to make “fetch” happen Josh

The story comes to a dramatic end, when Weaton sets up the pieces for got to knock down, and it all comes crashing down on Sorbo as he looks into the rain and fades away.

Who’s dead now bitch

Damn, Gods a bad mother fucker.